Before I get started, I just want to finish off the highlights of the party:

Beer pong - Evidently, this is de rigeur for parties that include anyone who is or has ever been a resident of New Jersey. I'm making no judgement here, I'm just saying.

"Hide the Pork Loin" - Some persons who shall remain nameless decided that my frozen meats were a plaything. Again, I here make no judgement, but I would like to request that the only thing taken out of my freezer from now on be bottles of vodka.

The bathtub - Is it icky to keep beer in the bathtub? We gave the tub a really good cleaning before we filled it with ice, water, and Yeungling. The only major problem I found was that sometimes it was tough to tell if the bathroom door was closed because someone was using the commode or because they didn't people to watch them agonizing over their decision to drink Coors Light or Heineken. (I just realized that Heineken is a contraction! Heine- from the German "Heiney" (meaning tuchis) and -ken (from me, meaning me). I'm not sure how I feel about that. But I guess people do like my bottom, so who am I to question?

Some other things probably happened, but those were the ones I can remember. Now on to other things. Wait, I got nothing.

Oh, yeah, there are a few things. Like, the best things ever. It's officially spring, first of all. Actually officially, what with the Vernal Equinox and all. And it's nice out. It's SO NICE OUT. Right now. Go outside and look. It will still be as nice as when you got up this morning. It's going to be that way for the next 6 months or so. How awesome is that? Remember a few weeks ago when it snowed four feet in six hours? That's not going to happen again for a while. I could go on writing examples of why this is so cool for another hundred lines or so, but I have work to do.

Saw a Segway in Central Park this weekend. That was awesome like nothing. Thinking about it now, I'm realizing that in a lot of ways it's a shame that we as a society have transcended certain brutal traditions. Gladiator technology, for instance, is really at a point so far beyond that which it has ever seen. Put a couple of guys on Segways, give 'em cattle prods and dielectric shields, and stick them in an arena - I'd so pay to see that. The turning radius on those things is really tight.

And along with spring comes March Madness. For those of you who haven't realized it yet, if you aren't interested in basketball and have a friend who is, don't expect to talk to them for the next couple of weeks. They'll keep using words like 'bracket' and 'seniors' and phrases like "I can't believe I didn't pick Maryland to go all the way." You won't be interested. I did want to mention something about the NCAA, though. We as a nation should really get serious about cutting down. Let's start with the NIT. Again, for those not in the know, NIT stands for "Not Invited Tournament." This is exactly like the NCAA championship, but with teams that weren't good enough to make it into the NCAA championship. Watching NIT games is not unlike watching Junior Varsity sports in high school; Hell, I wasn't invited either, and I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm not playing on television. I'm not saying the NIT should be eliminated, because it's important that those players miss as many days of classes as those on better teams (In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that the NIT was created by the NCAA so as to prevent an "Education Gap" from being generated between teams - smart players on losing teams might realize that, since their team is losing anyway, they should probably go do some book learnin' since they clearly aren't making the NBA draft). All I'm saying is that it shouldn't take up time on ESPN. Show SportsCenter again for gods sake!

The other thing I wanted to suggest as a starting point for paring down the NCAA is (and I realize this isn't going to make me popular among the ladies) is Women's Basketball. I know, I know, I'm a jerk. But lets be realistic. Girls - you don't watch sports. And boys don't watch womens sports. This should be a no-brainer. Maybe I'm wrong - I know that the NCAA and ESPN are both money-making ventures (possibly the NCAA isn't supposed to be, but lets be realistic), and they show it so maybe it makes money. But low interest isn't the only reason I'm against it. A few weeks ago, University of Connecticut lost for the first time in over 70 games. In the post game interviews, players answered questions through their tears. Watching girls cry is probably the least appealing thing in the world to any guy (without mental problems), and (to quote Tom Hanks) "There's no crying in baseball!" Or basketball. Could you imagine Rasheed Wallace crying because he got ejected from a game? Someone taking a hard foul from Ron Artest and needing some tissues? When commentators talk about blood, sweat, and tears, they are really only talking about blood and sweat. And mostly sweat.