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The daily rant archive

Sun Jan 20 01:42:07 2002
So I'll tell you what happened. I definitely just spent at least two hours tracking down a bug in this cgi program I wrote. In my imperfect understanding of how these web pages are made, I put in both the <#include> lines and text that they actually include when the page is generated by the server. So the top banner was appearing twice, etc etc...

Fine. In debugging the problem, I uploaded a test.cgi to the server, and was operating on that. However, I forgot that the cgi calls itself during the program, and so I had to change the name of the thing it was calling inside the program. The same problem kept appearing over and over, even though I did what I thought should have fixed it in this test.cgi. But it was just running the code from the original flawed cgi when the program called itself. Fuck sloppy programming IGA.Oh, and just to show off the html capabilities of this interface, I give you in the goat ass.comhugehuge!

Sun Jan 20 10:12:57 2002
So I changed the cgi to show the timestamp on the html page as well as the archive text file. Definitely a good idea.

Sun Jan 20 12:18:36 2002
Hmmmm.... I wonder if that was a bad thing. I just told my dad that the site was online. You know, I probably wouldn't worry about it so much if Kennybathroom wasn't on the site. And it's not like he's going to increase our unique IP visits list - His computer is my proxy server.Also, I just realized that putting this on the rant page means that he's going to read it soon. Hi Dad!Also also - I really like this page, because it's daboyz ratshit.txt brought to the next level. I'll call it e-rat-shit

Tue Jan 22 00:19:34 2002
Ate a banana
After brushing and flossing
Bad taste in my mouth


Tue Jan 22 16:28:28 2002
I'm worried that there is a limit to how much "funny" a given person can put out. If Ben, Ton, and myself continue to work on this site at the rate at which we have been, are we going to run out of funny? Maybe it won't happen in the life of the site, but we'll be pulling the date at which we cease to be funny close. One day when I'm 55, I'll be in the middle of a joke, and my timing will fly completely off and the joke trail off like a poem by a 16-year old nine inch nails fan.... I'm concerned.

I wonder if there's anyway to regain some funny that I've used up. Like going out of my way to tell bad jokes. Will my funny meter increase? Has this rant done that very thing for me? We can only hope.

Thu Jan 24 16:21:20 2002
So, I think I'll put announcements here, as well as stupid crap I want to talk about. I'd like to wish a fond fare-thee-well to Kennybathroom. It was really pretty long in coming, but that page has finally been removed from the site. You can thank the National Commitee for Decency for that.

I'd also like to give you a few words that I was singing to myself this morning when i was taking a shower.Some people have everything
that other people don't.
But everything don't mean a thing
if it ain't the thing you want:

Express yourself.

Thanks, Charles Wright. Truer words were never said.

Sat Jan 26 15:14:47 2002
Ummmm... Is this working?

Wed Jan 30 14:05:20 2002
very large very large.
i wrote some haikus but don't know where to put them.
i don't want to litter kennyb's haiku page with my amateur ones.
and i don't want a separate "ben's poetry corner"
i just don't know.
maybe a random haiku generator is the way to go.
on an unrelated note:

very truly yours,
horseradish tree

Fri Feb 8 17:13:59 2002
Kennyb, where are you?

Sun Feb 10 20:12:36 2002
Discostu is working Pro Bono.



Wed Feb 13 22:40:57 2002
Fuck man. Everyone heads right to the funny stuff. and not to the serious stuff. go to the serious stuff! That's where the funniest stuff is!

Mon Feb 18 20:36:53 2002
I wish we got paid for making this webpage, nome sane?

Fri Feb 22 17:28:38 2002
My girl has the Google Toolbar installed. I'm pretty pumped about that.

Wed Feb 27 10:00:54 2002
Stupid JavaSCript security won't let me become a malicious site owner.sucks.

Wed Feb 27 23:02:14 2002
I wish my cohorts would update all too flat more regularly for MY entertainment.

Fri Mar 1 09:45:56 2002
To answer Kennyb's rant from a while back, yes, I think there is a limit to how much funny a person can have.
and we just reached that point.




sucks.

Sat Mar 2 10:53:33 2002
A few days ago I ranted about how I wanted to get paid for ATF.
But at the rate we've been updating it, i'd be broke in a month!

Sat Mar 2 18:34:34 2002
It's been 20 minutes and no one has asked the fish.







sucks.

Mon Mar 4 15:43:04 2002
You know, not for anything, but work is really getting in the way of my Alltooflat time. Don't they know I have perl coding to get done?

Mon Mar 4 18:24:54 2002
i hate people who criticize the rant.
do not criticize the rant.
love the rant.


Tue Mar 5 10:49:02 2002
So, this probably isn't going to be funny, but I kind of have to get it off my chest. It's about Condit, and how angry I'm going to be if he wins the (what is in my meager understanding of politics and the democratic process) primary today. It seems to me that he would be directly benefitting from the attack on the World Trade Center, since if that didn't happen this investigation would probably still have it's own half hour on Fox News every night.

I was talking to my father the other night, a far wiser man than myself (me being a total jackass, and he not) and I mentioned my worries that Mr. Condit might get re-elected, and my great shame for the people of America if he did. In my opinion, humble* though it might be, whether or not he killed that girl is irrelevant; Condit behaved like a total dingleberry. He withheld information that any one with a quarter of a brain realized was pertinent to the investigation, and misled both the police and the people throughout much of what I have come to term The Travesty.

My father reminded me that I probably shouldn't rely on the American people too much when it comes to not re-electing guys like Condit. He asked me to recall such stellar examples of American memory loss as the re-election of Teddy Kennedy after he killed a young girl in Chappaquiddick, and the re-election of a man who actually smoked crack to be mayor of Washington D.C. We have something of a history of forgiving and forgetting grevious errors in judgement when it comes to elected officials.

I suppose what I'm saying is that, while I wouldn't be surprised if Condit was allowed to retain his position, I really hope he dosen't. In a time when our country is really going out of its way to fight for what's right in the world, the people of California should make something of an effort to jump on that bandwagon.

Also, sorry about this. I imagine it might seem a little heavy-handed for alltooflat, but it is the daily rant after all. The funny stuff is in the serious section anyway. To lighten it up, I offer you this link.


*Alltooflat ref: Haiku 5-11-99

Wed Mar 6 11:08:23 2002
So, uhhh... I guess Condit got buried in the primary (if that isn't justice, what is?). I'd like to thank all the people of the Alltooflat family who read yesterdays rant for pulling together and getting us through this rough patch. I will now return you to your regularly scheduled rant.


Todays rant is actually an ad for what I believe to be the best online comic on the web.



Love the sin.

Wed Mar 6 11:10:24 2002
So, uhhh... I guess Condit got buried in the primary (if that isn't justice, what is?). I'd like to thank all the people of the Alltooflat family who read yesterdays rant for pulling together and getting us through this rough patch. I will now return you to your regularly scheduled rant.


Todays rant is actually an ad for what I believe to be the best online comic on the web.

Sinfest. What the hell?

Fri Mar 8 10:49:40 2002



For Rent
ASSENDOFNOWHERE - 2BR, dirty kitch, bad neighborhood.
50 sqr. ft (cozy), only 87min to Manhtn by train (station 20 blks from apt)
Shared bathroomHom. maniac nxt door - EZ Access!!! Small (4 mo) fee! A STEAL!


In case you were wondering, this is my life on Sunday afternoons recently. And if anyone has a 2 br apartment in brooklyn they are looking to rent for under $1500, email kennyb.

Fri Mar 8 10:50:14 2002



For Rent
ASSENDOFNOWHERE - 2BR, dirty kitch, bad neighborhood.
50 sqr. ft (cozy), only 87min to Manhtn by train (station 20 blks from apt)
Shared bathroomHom. maniac nxt door - EZ Access!!! Small (4 mo) fee! A STEAL!


In case you were wondering, this is my life on Sunday afternoons recently. And if anyone has a 2 br apartment in brooklyn they are looking to rent for under $1500, email kennyb.

Fri Mar 8 10:50:30 2002



For Rent
ASSENDOFNOWHERE - 2BR, dirty kitch, bad neighborhood.
50 sqr. ft (cozy), only 87min to Manhtn by train (station 20 blks from apt)
Shared bathroomHom. maniac nxt door - EZ Access!!! Small (4 mo) fee! A STEAL!


In case you were wondering, this is my life on Sunday afternoons recently. And if anyone has a 2 br apartment in brooklyn they are looking to rent for under $1500, email kennyb.

Fri Mar 8 10:50:56 2002



For Rent
ASSENDOFNOWHERE - 2BR, dirty kitch, bad neighborhood.
50 sqr. ft (cozy), only 87min to Manhtn by train (station 20 blks from apt)
Shared bathroomHom. maniac nxt door - EZ Access!!! Small (4 mo) fee! A STEAL!


In case you were wondering, this is my life on Sunday afternoons recently. And if anyone has a 2 br apartment in brooklyn they are looking to rent for under $1500, email kennyb.

Sun Mar 10 21:01:21 2002
Sunday night.
Almost monday morning.
'Nuff said.

Mon Mar 11 16:38:25 2002
Enough Fish questions from Virginia!


AAARGH!!!!!!

Tue Mar 12 11:51:32 2002

Kennyb's got an announcement to make.


I'm in a seriously good mood.

Like, a super-spectacular mood. With all the heart-wrenchingly powerful bubbling up of goodwill through my spirit, smile on my face, whistling a happy tune ridiculousness. I'm psyched. Things are good, working, flowing, funny (most of all funny. By now anyone who visits often enough to read the daily rant regularly knows that the most important thing around here is that life stays funny).

Today, I'm the happy wanderer, going through life without a care in the world. Most things have really been going my way over the past few days, and it's all culminating in today, now, my daily rant. I'm smiling. Today, I'm the guy on the train I think is really creepy; the one who is not doing anything in particular and yet still has a secret smile showing through. I understand that guy today (maybe tomorrow I won't berate him). I'm having trouble thinking of the worst thing in my life right now - It's either that I'm getting an ass-whupping in my fantasy baseball league, or that I haven't sat down and watched The Big Lebowski in far too long. It's something of a dilemma, but one I'm more than happy to keep unresolved.

If I knew I was going to feel like this today I would have left NIN's Fixed and Tool's Lateralus at home, and put in a couple of TMBG albums instead. In fact, that's a good way to describe how I feel today - Listening to Flood on a spring day.

Hope you all have a good day too.

Tue Mar 12 22:56:08 2002
fuck your good day.
This is the rant page.
Bitch bitch bitch.

Sun Mar 17 12:48:59 2002
Mmmmm... Sunday afternoon... Answering an advice column and flipping between NBA basketball and the NCAA tournament. Good day.

I wonder when it was that I started enjoying watching basketball. I used to hate it. I think it's when I realized that it went very well with beer.

Mon Mar 18 15:14:36 2002
I wish someone would make a rant archive so i could read last month's rants.
I wonder if what i was pissed about then will still piss me off today.
Or maybe I will think it's silly.
Either way, there are no NCAA games on tonight, and that is what pisses me off today.

Thu Mar 21 14:08:42 2002
This is a test of the new rantfiling system. hugehuge.com

Thu Mar 21 14:09:57 2002
Another test. What I get for changing things.

Thu Mar 21 14:11:12 2002
Still another test

Thu Mar 21 14:11:40 2002
I wish someone would make a rant archive so i could read last month's rants.
I wonder if what i was pissed about then will still piss me off today.
Or maybe I will think it's silly.
Either way, there are no NCAA games on tonight, and that is what pisses me off today.

Thu Mar 21 23:14:56 2002
I want to read old rants.
but someone is too busy with their "engine" to make an "old rants" page.
bitch bitch bitch.

Fri Mar 22 11:08:51 2002
I'll do it myself:
  • OLD RANTS HERE

    Fri Mar 22 11:10:01 2002
    I'll do it myself:
  • OLD RANTS HERE

    Fri Mar 22 11:47:29 2002
    Oops. Did i delete that? Gol durn it. I think there should be two safety stops for deleting anything called "index.html."

    Fri Mar 22 13:29:14 2002
    So, I'm wondering: You know how people use "serious" as an adverb, meaning "profoundly meaningful"? Specifically in terms of quantity; e.g. "That's a serious amount of corn flakes."

    Fri Mar 22 13:29:28 2002
    So, I'm wondering: You know how people use "serious" as an adverb, meaning "profoundly meaningful"? Specifically in terms of quantity; e.g. "That's a serious amount of corn flakes."

    Do you think it's ok to use that modifier for a collection of things which, by their very nature, are not serious by any stretch of the imagination. As an example: "That's a serious number of rubber chickens." I feel like the inherent conflict created by that phrase makes it unusable.

    Sat Mar 23 13:28:30 2002
    I want to protest again the Digital Millenium Copyright Act but I don't know how.
    Write to my congressperson?
    I guess... but that involves being an activist.
    Who is my congressperson anyway? Hilary?

    Tue Mar 26 11:34:04 2002
    I wonder how many people actually visit the rant on a daily basis. I was talking to a friend last night, and she was giving me crap about only updating Ask the Fish once per week; and it's not like she was the first one. I mean, it was a question to the fish for goodness' sake! Look, it's not easy to be funny even once per week: We sometimes don't even succeed with that!

    Anyway, that's not why I came to the rant cgi anyway. I wanted to share something with everyone. Some geekdid Navy Seal PT for two weeks in the mornings (It's a class you can take in Central Park) and recounted the experience to his friends via email . It's a good read, and somewhat inspiring.

    Also, I just realized that he did it again, and wrote about it again. read that here.

    Tue Mar 26 20:48:02 2002
    I'm really sweaty.
    Gonna make some chicken balls.
    Protein for dinner.

    thank you very much.


    Tue Mar 26 21:36:25 2002
    So I'm sitting here naked in my warm room and I want to renew my library books online but i left my freaking library card in my wallet which is in my car 4 flights doesn across the parking lot and it is sleeting outside.



    Waaaaay worse than your yougurt.

    Wed Mar 27 15:00:48 2002
    So, what's to be the future of alltooflat.com? Will it soon be changed to Alltooflat Industries? Alltooflat Software Inc.? AmazinglyTogetherFiling Systems?
    If we at Alltooflat actually do get off our bums and start a business, I ensure you that the quality and quantity of material on the alltooflat site will remain at the level it is today. Which is to say, vaguely amusing and not so many updates.
    And if you'd like to hire the alltooflat team, we are currently taking requests for freelance programming jobs; specifically in fields that we know absolutely nothing about (SQL, ASP, COM, .NET, ETC... Oh wait, that last one isn't an acronym. My bad. etc...)

    Wed Apr 3 12:47:24 2002
    Oh man everything sucks today.

    I've got no net connection, I just finished my lunch, and now the rest of the day looms in front of me like The Wall in the Tour de France. I'm not sure I can deal with this.

    I wonder what it is that IT people actually do. I mean, I know with small LANs, once you set it up it continues to work until someone in the house breaks it (currently, this role is fulfilled by my father, who recently found that if he starting removing things from the StartUp list in msconfig.exe, the computer boots faster). I'm probably wrong, but you'd think larger networks would work somehow similarly to this. But assuming I'm right, what the Hell are they doing to my network connection at work!

    And today I was all set to write a rant about Emoticons, and how much I hate them, but since I can't sit at the computer in my office with my notes, I had to go to a public computer lab and pen this, less prepared, missive about why I had to go to a public lab and pen this missive.

    Everything sucks.

    Wed Apr 3 20:37:14 2002
    It happened again. I was naked in my room and ready for bed. But I left my alarm clock in the car.

    sucks.

    Better or worse than last time?

  • Better: It was raining and not sleeting
  • Worse: I was already in bed this time
  • Worse: I did the same damn thing last week and didn't learn anything from my mistake!

    Conclusion: Worse.




    Sucks.


    Mon Apr 8 10:47:53 2002

    I saw this at www.oralse.cx and it made me laugh outloud. Thought I'd share it with the group.




    Also, I want to send out MAD CRAZY PROPS to old Horseradish Tree for setting up the Malltooflat through CafeXPress: Now get out there and buy!

    Tue Apr 9 14:06:14 2002
    I forgot what I was going to rant about. Which is cause enough to rant!

    -Horseradish Tree

    P.S. It is entirely possible for anyone reading this rant to understand the Horseradish Tree joke. But it requires a lot of time at ATF. If you "get it" and you're not Ton, Kennyb, or Horseradish Tree, let us know and we'll give you props


    Wed Apr 10 21:14:56 2002
    My fantasy baseball team sucks donkey doo.

    Mon Apr 15 11:09:03 2002
    So, I often feel bad that I'm the one who comes to the rant and writes about how life is great. I mean, Horseradish Tree makes a point: It is the rant. So today, I'm going to talk about how life is good, and how I'm pissed off about it.


    GODDAMMIT! Everything sucks so badly. First of all, I had a great weekend - Saw my friends, saw the best ska band on Earth, got my mobile connected. How crappy is that? In addition the cell phone I bought is the best thing in existence. I could weep for the fact that my new Samsung i300 is the coolest piece of cellular technology on the market today: It dosen't get any better! I have no where to go from here, and I'm livid over it.

    Add to this the fact that Ben's girlfriend called me late last night and invited me to the Kids in the Hall in NYC for Monday, and I'm at my wits end: Do I go and have a great time, or should I just sit in my office until tommorrow and fume about how fucking fantastic life is?

    Oh, also, I'm moving into a place in Brooklyn at the beginning of May. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!

    Mon Apr 15 19:27:24 2002
    I was going to rant about how funny that last rant was, and how rants shouldn't be funny- they should be bitchy.

    but then i realized the rants were in the funny section.

    Now here's something good to rant about:
    ARISHOST FTP SUCKS MY FAT DONKEY DOODLE!


    Tue Apr 16 15:18:03 2002

    I can't believe someone suggested we put Google Ad Words for alltooflat. I'm so mad about that!

    Also, ARISTHOST FTP SUCKS DONKEY DONUTS!


    Fri Apr 19 10:26:28 2002



    Tue Apr 23 21:28:57 2002
    I think it sucks when there are no All Too Flat updates.

    also, i didn't want to get rid of kennyb's DCMA links for this worthless rant (and yes, I know they are in the archives, but how many people read them on a regular basis?).

    anyway, go here and here to read some stuff.


    Wed Apr 24 12:34:07 2002
    Fuck Tiggy Rollins and his 3 holds and 2 saves.
    that's bush leage psych out stuff!


    Wed Apr 24 16:22:30 2002
    I'm really funny today. I've gotten a bunch of calls, and I've beenreally pissed at everyone who calls on my cell because it's before 9PM,and I'm getting really pissed at everyone calling on my office line,because why the fuck aren't you calling my cell?

    At LEAST send me a text page, so I can decide how I want to get back to you.

    Fri Apr 26 11:17:55 2002
    First of all - I'm all about perl scripts which automatically generate / change html pages. I think those are fly.


    Also, I'm really psyched about the alt-text thing. I'll put the announcement here, since no one reads this page but the guys of ATF and Sean: If you're using internet explorer, hold your mouse over the fish on any of the pages, and view the alt text. It changes everyday.

    I'd like to thank Sean for his great contributions to the alt text archives. Also, I'd like to state for the record that I'm really psyched for next Thursdays alt text posting.



    Wed May 1 10:14:24 2002
    Can you smell what the Scorpion King is cooking?

    Thu May 2 12:08:30 2002
    Man I love music. So much. It's so stinking cool that music exists. I mean, come on - best art ever. Nothing in the world has as much effect on any one sense as music. It can get you performing actual movement totally unconsciously, it can life your sprits, make you smile and laugh, make you depsondent and depressed. Incredibly powerful stuff, music.

    Walter Pater (19th century essayist) once said that "all art continuously aspires to the condition of music." And in a lot of ways, that's really true; other forms are inextricably tied to the corporeal, the material. A lot of visual art is representational, and even that which isn't has to make a conscious effort to keep from being so. Visual arts often are tied by human experience to form only a particular set (however wide and far-reaching) of releationships and accordances. But music can transcend the material, it begins with no ties to form, and can (like Qabala) generate relationships that appear to have no basis in what we perceive as reality. But these relationships do exist, by the very fact of their being created by the music.

    And I'll be honest, I'm not even sure I'm being coherent, but I really wanted to say that I'm a big fan of music.

    Fri May 3 11:47:16 2002
    I'm a little pissed. I woke up early this morning (~7AM) and didn't get a huge amount of sleep last night (~ 6hours) and I feel really good. So I don't know whether to be pissed or not, actually. I like sleeping, but it would also be nice to get more out of my day.

    Tue May 7 11:23:41 2002

    So, I just moved into my new apartment in Brooklyn NY (representing the 718 and the 347 to the fullest!). So that's really stinking cool. It's a converted warehouse apartment block, and the place is pretty nice. The ceilings in my room are a little low, but that's ok 'cuz the apartment is really cheap. That's not what I'm here to talk about though.

    What I'm here to talk about is my roommate. So, I'm supposed to be living with two other guys, and I just found out that one of them is moving out at the end of this week (maybe - just starting last night that was a little unclear as well, and it looks like there's a little bad blood between the other two guys. Don't ask me, I just live there). In any case, there will probably be only two people living there come next week, and one of them will be me. Fine.

    But yesterday, the fellow who's staying (the person who's name the lease is under) comes into my room yesterday as I'm chatting with a friend and tells me that he's probably leaving in a few weeks to start a studio, or a band, or something. And I really don't know how to feel about that.

    On one hand, what the fuck? On the other hand, his lease runs until August, and since my name is no where near it, I don't have to sweat it. Best case is I get a few friends to move in with me (huge) and take over the lease come the end of summer. Worst case is I live there until the end of the summer and move my shit out again. While that would be annoying, I've definitely had to do more irritating things.

    Also, thank goodness I switched this system from a GET operation to a POST operation. This rant never would have made it.

    Wed May 8 21:07:43 2002
    I wish someone would make me dinner.
    and then feed me.


    Thu May 9 12:54:53 2002
    test of the new rant write index changing system

    Thu May 9 13:03:14 2002
    Huge. I like doing little things for alltooflat.

    Mind you, I like it when I do big things even more, but the little things are fun too. So, I just added a dozen or so lines to the script that allows us to automatically update the rant page: Now whenever the rant is changed it will update index.html so that our home page shows the latest change to the rant.
    This will save you the trouble of making a few clicks just to find that the rant hasn't been changed since you were last there. The next level is setting up some cookies that check to see if your browser has seen the latest rant, and put a little reminder on the front page for you if it hasn't. Wonder what I'm doing for the rest of the day...

    Fri May 10 15:39:54 2002
    Test the timestamp.

    Fri May 10 15:41:01 2002
    shtibovinas oykoff!
    it works!
    good job kennyb.

    Fri May 10 16:05:08 2002
    shtibovinas oykoff!
    it works!
    good job kennyb.


    Sun May 12 15:29:17 2002
    trivial.
  • Rant last modified fileage('mod',"/funny/daily/rant.txt");
  • Rant last modified fileage('mod',"/funny/daily/rant.txt");

    Sun May 12 15:29:53 2002
    trivial.
  • Rant last modified fileage('mod',"/funny/daily/rant.txt");

    Mon May 13 12:39:58 2002
    And here we're testing the link on the front page to the rant. Huge.

    Mon May 13 12:41:02 2002
    Another test

    Mon May 13 12:42:26 2002
    Another test

    Mon May 13 12:54:42 2002

    Girls.

    What a pain in the ass they are. I mean, it's not to say that I don't appreciate them or anything. But when you get excited about something that falls through (well, let's say when *I* get excited, since I don't want to make any judgements about my readers behavior or sexual preference) it's always worse when it's with a girl.

    I think it has something to do with self-image. Is something I did?


    I think I'll just toss it all and follow my new dream of becoming Princess Superstar's hip-hop love-slave.

    Hey, it could happen.

    Mon May 13 12:55:48 2002

    Girls.

    What a pain in the ass they are. I mean, it's not to say that I don't appreciate them or anything. But when you get excited about something that falls through (well, let's say when *I* get excited, since I don't want to make any judgements about my readers behavior or sexual preference) it's always worse when it's with a girl.

    I think it has something to do with self-image. Is it something I did? I didn't do? More likely it has absolutely nothing to do with anything, I suppose.
    Less of a rant then a cry for pity.

    I think I'll just toss it all and follow my new dream of becoming Princess Superstar's hip-hop love-slave.

    Hey, it could happen.

    Tue May 14 09:46:27 2002

    Women

    Why don't they lose some weight?



    Tue May 14 23:58:47 2002
    Stupid alt text based on arishost's incorrect time on their server.
    I went to check it at 12:03am and it wasn't changes.

    sucks.

    On the plus side, Wednesday is my last day of work, and my biggest concern in life is the time that Alt Text updates...


    Thu May 16 10:18:42 2002
    Ever since that stupid Ask the Fish question about the little red IE privacy eyeball, I've had it on my toolbar.

    Also, why does IE suck and keep taking away my little fishy shortcut on my links bar. I loved that!

    anyone wanna come pack for me?


    Fri May 17 10:27:37 2002
    A lot of Frenchmen (and, presumably, Frenchwomen. Well, upon reflection on the general M/F breakdown of the internet, probably not Frenchwomen) have been visiting the site lately. I'm not really sure why, but the google mirror has showed up up a couple of .fr forums. Which is really huge, in my opinion, mostly because more hits means...

    Well ultimately it means absolutely nothing. I guess it means that we are making more people laugh, which is good. But that's not the point. The point is, I wonder if French speaking people find it easier to read alltooflat after it has been run through the stupid translator in french. Maybe I'll ask the fish.

    Mon May 20 17:30:46 2002
    I suck at webmail.
    Also, while I laughed a lot at the kennyblog, I don't know if i like the fact that the first link on "What's New" links to a page with the phrase "midget porn," which in turn links to the phrase: "I blame Ben, who keeps giving me... hours of tiny titty-humping and dwarven DDA."

    I mean, it might be true, but my mom and grandma might read this site. And I am planning on using my alltooflat e-mail address as my permananent address. I don't know if potential employers smile brightly on that sort of thing...


    Mon May 20 17:32:53 2002
    Dammit! Now there are TWO links on our homepage to "10 hours of tiny titty-humping and dwarven DDA" (see archive) and one of them is my fault!!!

    Thu May 23 11:49:26 2002
    I've been waiting until I saw the movie to write a new rant. Because, to be honest, I was kind of expecting to rant about how little I liked Attack of the Clones. I was disappointed at Phantom Menace, etc etc, and I'm a movie bitch.

    But wow. What a great movie that was. Go see it. I mean, sure, it had its low points. But it's a movie about a teenager, so what do you expect? Teenagers are annoying.

    Man, I want to write so many things about the movie, but this is a public forum where people who haven't seen the movie can get pissed at me for spoilers. So I won't. Go see the movie, and write to the fish about it. We're all really excited.

    Fri May 24 10:13:54 2002
    I wish kennyb was in his office. Then I wouldn't have to be in a public lab.

    Tue May 28 11:08:22 2002
    I've noticed a significant decrease in the number of kennyblog updates. what gives?

    Wed May 29 11:47:46 2002
    Number of ATF team membergs running Red Hat 7.3: 0
    if that's not reason to rant, I don't know what is.

    Thu May 30 15:07:32 2002
    So, what... New weblog feature (for admins only, thank you very much) is really cool. We can easily see how people are making it to alltooflat: the searches people do to get to us, forum links, etc. Also, we can tell how often each of you are looking at the page. So don't try to bullshit us "Yeah, I visit about once a week."

    We keep track. Also, for some reason, the Sex Swap banner exchange links to the google mirror. Eh.

    Fri May 31 16:43:37 2002
    what's up with kennyb having late night parties with unemployed people that don't involve this guy?

    Mon Jun 3 14:14:29 2002
    I can't believe Sacramento lost.

    Mon Jun 3 14:22:36 2002
    300 brand name Q-tips costs $2.50.
    800 generic cotton swabs only costs $1.99.
    But who can use 800 cotton swabs?


    Thu Jun 6 09:25:39 2002
    Feh.

    That's right, you heard me. Feh. I'm about 40 pages away from completing (for the nth time Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone. First of all - so huge.

    Second of, everything sucks. Partly because I don't have a copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban at my place. But mostly because the fifth book Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix doesn't come out for over a year. AND I've seen both Spiderman and Attack of the Clones, so I have to media to look forward to.

    Actually, I suppose the new episodes of the Sopranos are being debuted in September. And there's that Incredible Hulk movie. And MIB II in July. Alright, so the world isn't the worse place to be right now. But still - Rowling, get off your ass and do some writing; the world is waiting.

    Thu Jun 6 14:39:05 2002
    Feh.

    That's right, you heard me. Feh. I'm about 40 pages away from completing (for the nth time Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone. First of all - so huge.

    Second of, everything sucks. Partly because I don't have a copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban at my place. But mostly because the fifth book Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix doesn't come out for over a year. AND I've seen both Spiderman and Attack of the Clones, so I have to media to look forward to.

    Actually, I suppose the new episodes of the Sopranos are being debuted in September. And there's that Incredible Hulk movie. And MIB II in July. Alright, so the world isn't the worse place to be right now. But still - Rowling, get off your ass and do some writing; the world is waiting.



    And a brief announcement. Hey girls, little tip: Asking an ex-boyfriend to cock-block for you on a date is generally considered a social faux pas.

    Mon Jun 10 10:26:46 2002
    mono

    stereo



    Mon Jun 10 14:04:19 2002
    i wish ton would come into this lab and say hi. i'm really tired and kinda want a nappy.
    now dingy dongy.

    Mon Jun 10 17:26:56 2002
    ARISHOST E-MAIL SUCKS!!!

    Tue Jun 11 16:19:50 2002
    Throat hurts.

    Can't do ballistics problems anymore.

    Everything is falling apart. On the upside, at least I'm at work.

    Thu Jun 13 14:53:10 2002
    did the ballistics problem for kennby.
    v=sqrt(xg/sin(2theta))trivial.

    Mon Jun 17 13:28:07 2002


    First, I'd like to thank Sean for putting up a whole bunch of really really funny alt-text quotes. And again, if anyone doesn't know what those are, just put your pointer over the fish and hold it there for a few seconds. Do that once a day for the rest of your life, and I promise that your life will contain that much more laughter.


    Also, I just wanted to mention how incredibly pissed I am that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to get a Nobel Prize for Websurfing. And that's just sad.

    Tue Jun 18 16:03:02 2002
    i'm so pissed that my i300 light is broken. it is such a freaking hassle to return it and reprogram everything. damn it!

    Tue Jun 18 16:33:17 2002
    gotta return the phone. but where? circuit city = disaster!

    Thu Jun 20 14:43:45 2002
    Today, a special guest rant, from Sean. Sean is a veteran, some might say connoisseur, of the fast food industry (client side). As such, he tends to have strong opinions about the corporate whores he gives his business to..........startrant.........McDonald's Express is one of the greatest shams every perpetrated by corporateAmerica. It's no faster--the ordering and check-out process works exactly thesame way. There's nothing "express" about it at all, as a matter of fact. Theonly difference I can see between a McDonald's Express and a regular McDonald'sis fewer places to sit and fewer items on the menu. They're giving you acrappier restaurant and trying to sell its very crappiness as a virtue."Welcome to our special Express restaurant. It's a lot like our regularfranchises, but with great new features! For example, you can't get milkshakesor double quarter pounders with cheese, and there's no place to sit! Isn'tthat totally awesome! Of course it is--why else would we use a bitchin' wordlike Express?" Bastard people. .........endrant.........

    Thu Jun 20 14:44:46 2002
    Today, a special guest rant, from Sean. Sean is a veteran, some might say connoisseur, of the fast food industry (client side). As such, he tends to have strong opinions about the corporate whores he gives his business to.


    .........startrant......... McDonald's Express is one of the greatest shams every perpetrated by corporate America. It's no faster--the ordering and check-out process works exactly the same way. There's nothing "express" about it at all, as a matter of fact. The only difference I can see between a McDonald's Express and a regular McDonald's is fewer places to sit and fewer items on the menu. They're giving you a crappier restaurant and trying to sell its very crappiness as a virtue. "Welcome to our special Express restaurant. It's a lot like our regular franchises, but with great new features! For example, you can't get milkshakes or double quarter pounders with cheese, and there's no place to sit! Isn't that totally awesome! Of course it is--why else would we use a bitchin' word like Express?"

    Bastard people.

    .........endrant.........

    Fri Jun 21 17:22:51 2002
    The Whitney website says their Biennial exhibit runs to may 26th (1 month ago).
    So why is it still on their site?
    I called.
    The recording said the same thing.
    So why is it still on their recording.
    I called the ticket office to buy tickets at 1-877-WHITNEY.
    They don't if it was still running.
    They looked it up online and told me it wasn't.
    So i asked for the number of the main office.
    I got that, and called.
    I got a recording.
    It said "to speak with our staff, press 0. there will be no operators to assist you."
    That much was true!

    Tue Jun 25 00:09:52 2002
    it's hot. i'm hot. ewwww. i'm a sweaty pig.

    Tue Jun 25 08:45:18 2002
    I wish someone would enter the puzzle contest.
    Also, I had a shitty night's sleep.
    that sucks.

    Wed Jun 26 16:00:02 2002
    Time Warner Cable (road runner) lends you a cable modem when you sign up. you must return it to officially cancel your service. I left Ithaca before my roomates, and they asked if i could leave it on until they left. I said (with caution) that it was okay if my roomate promised to return the modem, and the other promised to mail me my hub.

    Needless to say, neither of these things happened.

    The hub isn't the end of the world, but annoying. the modem is. Because I just got a $115 bill from TWC for the past 2 months, including late charges. So I'm pissed. But that isn't the reason for this rant.

    So I hope my roomate pays me the $115 (if we can't get the charges taken away). I haven't heard from her yet. She might be ameanable to that. But I was thinking about worst case scenarios. I could go to Ithaca and demand the money. I thought about taking her laptop until she paid, but my sister told me that was illegal and would result in a restraining order probably.

    Then I had a stroke of brilliance! I never paid security on the apartment! My 3 roomates did. That gives me leverage. I can threaten to DESTROY the apartment, robbing my roomates of their $500 in security. It would be way cheaper for them to pay me. AND I wouldn't have done anything illegal. It isn't a crime to mess up your own apartment. That's why you pay security. A bucket of red paint on the carpet and a fridge through the window could look like an accident even!

    But here's the part that gets me, and the reason for this rant: the person who hurts the most in that scenario is the poor apartment complex, who is faced with $1500 worth of damage to repair. Granted they'll get the money to cover it, but it is still horrible for them to deal with. Hiring contract labor, new fridge shipments, etc etc. And most likely I won't be able to stop at exactly $1500, leaving them to foot the difference.

    So I thought, what if I went and told them my plan. That way, they wouldn't have to deal with all the repairs. I figured that is the gentleman thing to do. Why should they suffer? Here is my offer: I won't destroy their apartment, AND they can keep 1.5 large! That's win win for them! But not so. That plan would never work! They wouldn't do it. I can't even imagine the response I'd get for mentioning that! It would never work. The only way to actually do it is to friggin put a hammer through the shower wall! And that's what is pissing me off.

    Nice guys always finish last.


    Mon Jul 1 15:26:59 2002
    Verizon Wireless Sucks
    I wanted a new phone. But I had a contract with VW until october. My mom wanted a new phone. TRIVIAL! Transfer the number to a Maryland number and transfer the name to hers. No problem.

    WRONG! Transfering to MD automatically extends my plan for one year. Transfering ownership automatically extends my plan for one year.

    Estimated time on the phone with Verizon today- 1h45m already. expected time: 35 more minutes. Solutions expected? None.


    Tue Jul 2 10:26:43 2002
    So I've been thinking about keeping a running commentary on Kennyblog. I mean, I know that is a total cop-out for adding real content to the site. But then again, so is the blog, so maybe 2 people can play this game.

    Anyway, I'm at a random computer, so I don't have useful things like ATF templates and ftp clients, so I'll put the test blog commentary here.

    I guess I need a clever name too. Kennyblogblog - the weblog about the kennyblog? I also like saying "kennyblogblog" alot. I mean, it's pretty fun. rolls off your tongue doesn't it? kennyblogblog. Actually, now that I say it again, it seems to more plop off my toungue in a garbled mess. nonetheless. albeit. huge.

    Kennyblogblog - Durn Windows: 7-1-02

    First of all, no sympathy. Save your work. It's not that hard. And if you are using a web form, type it in notepad (or editplus) and save that. haven't you been using pine for long enough?!??

    The paragraph on Jeff was a good one. used some big words like "idyllic" and had a very nice metaphor about the moon. A metaphysic metaphor? That's nice. You could say that this was a meta-blog. And it takes a wise man to notice that lack of things. That's some seriously enlightened observations kennyb!

    The paragraph about the things Jeff left wasn't bad. The content was much better than the form. You used some HTML for the first time in the blog, which was good, but other than that, the structure was flat. Also, it's convenient that the only dishes he left you are ones that are condusive to making pasta and red sauce. That guy was thinking ahead!

    Maria paragraph was okay. You managed to almost get through the whole 3 sentences in this paragraph without mentioning getting with her. Blew it in the last one. But it was a valiant effort. The "skin off my toes" expression isn't an expression.

    Nice of you to give a shout out to Jeremy. I might change the Ask the Fish re: "how is jeremy goldman involved in this site?" to say "he is in the kennyblog. But then I'd also have to add "he is in the kennyblogblog." Worse things I guess. Like my yogurt.

    And finally, I believe the sentence is "peace to the drums," not "streets to the sweet." But good effort.

    In conclusion, I give this blog an A-. It made me laugh a number of times, and touched on a lot of different topics. In true kennyb form, it was comprised of 90% things in parenthesis, side comments, and humorous whispers under his breath.


    Mon Jul 8 10:39:54 2002


    HOLY DEAR GOD WHAT HAS HAPPENED WITH THIS SITE?

    We've completely blown up. The Daypop top 40 says that the google mirror is the second most popular link in the weblogging community today (up from 4th yesterday). By 6AM this morning, elgoog had 6000 hits.

    I don't know what to do with this newfound popularity. It's giving us some problems - mostly that the ip log (which logs all access to the site) fills up so quickly that it takes up all the space that we are allocated for our site. Such a disaster.


    And we've moved from being really popular with the french to being really popular with the Japanese.

    Thu Jul 25 07:10:58 2002
    Huge huge huge huge huge.
    new webhost is huge huge huge.
    Huge huge huge huge huge.


    Thu Jul 25 10:38:51 2002
    This is a test rant. Is this working? Hope so.

    Thu Jul 25 10:43:59 2002
    This is the next test. What's wrong with that durned latestupdates.html?

    Thu Jul 25 11:12:15 2002
    Yet another test.huge

    Thu Jul 25 11:17:12 2002
    Alltooflat.com, on a new server, which is so huge.

  • This means: Easy access to email for the triumverate (squirrelmail, and way more important - PINE access!)
  • Higher download speeds for our fans.
  • An ftp which actually works (which means easy updating for us boyz)
  • More smiles than you can shake a chicken at.


    hugehugehuge. I'm sure there will be some snags here and there, but I'm also sure they will be minor. Alltooflat is always working to make your stay just a little nicer.

    Mon Jul 29 16:06:59 2002

    Look, people - I know you all get a feeling burning inside of you when you look at the fish experiment and see the piles of dead fish. And as soon as the rage builds up enough, you want to dash off a scathing email deprecating our intelligence. We've gotten comments which range from questioning our methods to questioning our parentage.

    First of all, get over yourselves. They are goldfish. Even if we were killing them off one by one in the most painful ways you can kill goldfish (I heard electroplating them really gets their goat. Actually, that would be really funny: if you did it right, you could get golder-fish), they really wouldn't mind that much. We only hate misery because we remember it (I refer you to Heinlein's book "The Cat Who Walked Through Walls" for a discussion of the Lethe field as medical anesthetic), and goldfish have been shown to have a memory which lasts under three minutes..

    Second of all - our symbol is a fish. We love fish. We put them in our coffee. Do you really think we would be so cruel as to drown them in their own filth? Check the disclaimer at the bottom of the page, it wasn't kidding. No goldfish were harmed, etc etc.

    Fri Aug 2 19:31:18 2002
    I think I've run out of funny. This could be a serious problem.

    Sun Aug 4 12:50:15 2002
    Not me! My funny-mojo is still going strong!

    Mon Aug 5 13:24:43 2002

    Huh. Think it's a coincidence that the 'Geeky' section of our site is bigger than all the other ones?


    Me neither

    Sun Aug 11 19:07:14 2002
    Believe or not, but Ken Ferrier is so married right now.

    Tue Aug 13 11:38:42 2002
    Big fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite 'em
    And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum.


    As above, so below - the behavior of the microcosm invariably reflects the behavior of the macrocosm.

    Think I can find a couple more ways of saying it? I'm referring, of course, to the politics of alltooflat page viewing as examined from a historical perspective. In the earlier, halcyon days of this websites life (Ah! The spring of 2002, when all things were funny and our bandwidth was unused, and free of charge), it was France that gave us the most hits. But then, as they are wont to do, the Germans saw that their neighbors to the west had foudn something good, and they wanted in.

    Now, you look at the statistics, and you can see that the Germans come in at the number two spot for domain extensions overall (second only to .com). France is battling it out for the number 8 spot with the Netherlands, and is only beating Austria by a hairsbreadth. The Netherlands, for gods sake! Has a population of 16 million, to France's 60 million!

    But I digress. Not that I have any problems with Germans (and not that I particularly care for the French), but I thought it was something worth mentioning. My biggest issue with the entire situtation is that, when it was the French that loved us so much, I could liken myself to Jerry Lewis. I am baffled when it comes to creating a German analogue to the Alltooflat / Lewis analogy.

    Sun Aug 18 10:24:40 2002
    With the rate of Kennyblog updates, I am worried that there is a serious problem with the guy.

    Today's Alt Text was mad funny too.

    Bitch bitch bitch.

    I hope central park goes well. SO HOT IN THIS TOWN!!!!


    Tue Aug 20 14:56:29 2002
    Our original estimate for the odds of the Puzzle Contest was 1 in 3. The final, calculated estimate was 1 in 8 (give or take 1), which really isn't that far off from the orginal estimate.

    I mention all of this, because I really think the next contest we have should be posted in English, French, and German. There will be way more than 15 entries, and you know they are going to be mostly correct. Europeans have a far better work ethic than we do. Also, it takes more for Germans to get drunk than Americans, and I assume everyone who ever comes to ATF has been drinking. So, higher accuracy in logic puzzles.

    Tue Aug 20 14:56:41 2002
    Our original estimate for the odds of the Puzzle Contest was 1 in 3. The final, calculated estimate was 1 in 8 (give or take 1), which really isn't that far off from the orginal estimate.

    I mention all of this, because I really think the next contest we have should be posted in English, French, and German. There will be way more than 15 entries, and you know they are going to be mostly correct. Europeans have a far better work ethic than we do. Also, it takes more for Germans to get drunk than Americans, and I assume everyone who ever comes to ATF has been drinking. So, higher accuracy in logic puzzles.

    Wed Aug 21 23:00:36 2002
    Aargh. Work, City, and girlfriend serious cut into my web development time.
    Even my dad complains the site isn't updated enough!

    Thu Aug 22 23:41:19 2002
    I'm really tired. And the back log of Ask the Fish is approaching triple digits. And I couldn't think of a funny back-log fish pun. Sucks.

    Mon Aug 26 15:57:46 2002

    Blahblahblah.

    .asp
    .net
    sql

    Do you think having an ATF forum would be funny? Who would write to it? Probably the three of us, and the same jackasses who are writing to the Help Me Name My section. Which actually wouldn't be that bad, since that section is coming along pretty nicely (barring the obscenities).

    Mon Aug 26 18:36:37 2002
    woof. Worked till 7pm tonight. After deleting all my shite code I think I totalled 3 lines of code today. 2 of them were print statements.

    sucks.


    Tue Aug 27 23:26:32 2002

    Interview at bloomie domani. So huge. Wondering what I'll do it I come up with an offer.

    Well, not wondering so much. Definitely taking it. huge.

    Wed Aug 28 15:59:53 2002
    Alas, nobody wants our old cheese. They've been in my fridge for a seriously long time.

    Fri Aug 30 10:30:18 2002
    "Who stole my cheese?", "No one wants my old cheese", bitch bitch bitch. You really just have to get in the drivers seat and take control of your own life. go forward, and look for new cheese.

    Also, how much did it rock that Axl was at the VMA's last night? With NIN's Robin Finck, and Buckethead for god's sake! Rock!

    Mon Sep 2 09:50:01 2002
    Am I the only one working today?

    Mon Sep 2 12:13:58 2002
    So all my friends have been eating vegetables and fruits and buying plants behind my back. They think I won't find out. But my girl tells me everything. The next time you're not sure how to open what your eating (pomegranite?!?!?), the instructions are as follows: open ketchup packet, insert fry, eat.

    And 2 jars of artichoke hearts? What's that all about? On a sandwich? You shouldn't put anything on a sandwich that you can't get at the Wegman's sub shop.

    I thought you guys were different.

    Sucks.


    Thu Sep 5 12:57:51 2002
    Feh. I recognize that the day will come when I'll have a job that will not allow me to respond to emails within seconds of my receiving them. And that will be a sad, sad day.

    But until then, I'm going to continue getting really annoyed that there's only two other people who can keep up with my rate of exchange. And both of them are doing things at work too. Disaster.

    Sun Sep 8 11:12:31 2002
    Woof. That's a lot of traffic.

    Sun Sep 8 22:50:14 2002
    I was in a restaurant tonight sitting in a nice booth by a window. A woman at the table next to us decided it would be a nice idea to light up a smoke while she ate. pleansant. I asked if we could move tables because all the smoke was blowing past us and out the window. The waitress apologized and said we could take any table we wanted, but there were no booths left and nothing by the window. so we moved, since it was better than eating Parliament a la mode.

    And then the smoker saw there was an empty booth by the window and moved her seat!!!! The chutzpah! Damn!

    Where's Mikey B. when we need him???!!


    Tue Sep 10 10:20:16 2002

    All I want to do is read a new Ask the Fish. It's funny every time.


    And I just wanted to invite to join the Alltooflat chat channel, #alltooflat on the Undernet (we're usually there at 8PM).

    Wed Sep 11 19:14:32 2002
    I figured out my ipod issue. The solution isn't perfect, but it's not bad.
    Your options are
  • download your whole collection from the PC to the ipod (which is called syncing)
  • add and delete songs from the ipod one (or a few) at a time manually
    There is no way to actually syncronize everything, but it's not a big deal. You add a new album (or 2 or 3 or 4) and you can just add them by hand. If you add so much that adding manually is an intractable problem, it won't take much longer to redownload everything.

    So i'm pleased.

    Unfortunately, solving my ipod issue didn't make my music collection any better.


    sucks.


    Fri Sep 13 10:21:19 2002
    I'll be honest. I don't know that "serious" is the correct adjective to use on the most recent "What's new on ATF" entry.

    Sat Sep 14 12:45:18 2002

    The problem with us being so funny is that it's almost unfair to the rest of the entertainment industry. How are they supposed to measure up?

    Mon Sep 16 11:06:59 2002
    How much did that AI movie suck? It would have been a great movie if it hadjust ended with the kid getting stuck underwater staring at the blue angel. That would have been some some-dreams-never-fulfilled human-condition type movie.But noooo, they had to give it a "happy" ending. Stupid hollywood.

    Thu Sep 19 14:02:28 2002
    Arrrgh! I want me new palm pilot now. I can't wait until the end of the month...

    Fri Sep 20 14:44:01 2002
    No net connection and monitored internet at work make for very little ATF time.
    This is possibly the worst thing I could say in a rant.

    sucks.


    Mon Sep 23 23:35:10 2002
    Blechh, I hate working this late. On the plus side, wait, there is no plus side. Crap.

    Tue Sep 24 16:04:23 2002
    Color is cool. When light passes through a translucent object (or bounces off a opaque one), something is going to happen to that light. If the object is colored, the light emitted from the object is going to be the same color as the thing itself.

    Or so they say. Me, I look at it a different way. Well, not the science, but rather the semantics of it all. We say "the cube is blue" because it emits blue energy when white light is shined on it. But that doesn't make any sense to me; the thing is absorbing all the wavelengths of light that are not blue - There is no affinity between the cube and blue, just an antipathy. Do the personifications of things get upset if called a particular color when they have spent so much effort making sure that color is the one thing it has nothing to do with?

    Although I suppose that as a shorthand, saying "That's a cool yellow messenger bag" is way better than "That's a cool every-color-but-yellow messenger bag." But still, it grates.

    Fri Sep 27 14:04:14 2002
    Last night I was saying how it hasn't really rained when walk to and from work. I jinxed it! Now it's raining pumas and wolves.

    Sun Sep 29 01:53:06 2002
    I wish there was a blog about how amazing the ipod is. Hurry up and write an entry!!!

    Also, I just got internet at home today. I wish I had a bennyblog to tell people about such critical occurrences in my life. I mean, getting a new connection is nothing to rant about.

    Although I was wondering- what do you think Kennyb will think about his 20-somethings when he is an old fart reading his old journal that is the kennyblog? Think he'll let his kids read it?


    Tue Oct 1 11:44:25 2002

    I'm not ashamed of how I spend my time, the quality of work I bring to the site, or the level of intellectual engagement we at Alltooflat provide. We do what we like to do, and we are glad you the readers seem to enjoy it. So, what I'm about to say is in no way self-deprecatory; I'm very comfortable with myself and the site.

    But you being here is a complete waste of your time. Right at this very moment, you could be at Lileks.com. In fact, I can only think of a couple of reasons that you shouldn't be there:
  • You are on the precipice of death with a medical condition which is aggravated by laughter
  • You are punishing yourself for bad acts in a former life
  • You are a dirty commie

    As far as I can tell, those are the only reasons for not reading the site. It's funny, incredibly smart, really on point politically (there are some sections which are exclusively political commentary. But really well written), and really funny [sic]. I'm only a few pages into it, but I heartily suggest the Screed archive, the Institute of Official Cheer, and giving him money.

    Tue Oct 8 14:24:14 2002
    Not really a rant so much as another one of those entries that aren't a rant at all.

    There's something called the Big Apple Miata Club. It's a group of people who live in NYC and it's environs, and who own Mazda Miata's. My parents were in it for a while. It's kind of a funny thing, this community of people who are psyched to meet and talk with people who own the same car as them. Whenever I would be driving the Miata, pretty much every time I passed another person in the same car he/she would flash their headlights at me, and I at he/she (which is actually kind of cool in the Miata - it has those pop-up headlights, so it looks like the car is actually winking). I don't know why, it just seems to make sense when you're in the moment.

    I bring it up because I'm noticing something similar with iPod owners. I've had at least two people (that aren't Ben Stein) stop me on the street to chat about our iPods ("What size? Mac or Windows? How are the kids?"). It's pretty strange.

    Tue Oct 8 14:38:09 2002
    Not really a rant so much as another one of those entries that aren't a rant at all.

    There's something called the Big Apple Miata Club. It's a group of people who live in NYC and it's environs, and who own Mazda Miata's. My parents were in it for a while. It's kind of a funny thing, this community of people who are psyched to meet and talk with people who own the same car as them. Whenever I would be driving the Miata, pretty much every time I passed another person in the same car he/she would flash their headlights at me, and I at he/she (which is actually kind of cool in the Miata - it has those pop-up headlights, so it looks like the car is actually winking). I don't know why, it just seems to make sense when you're in the moment.

    I bring it up because I'm noticing something similar with iPod owners. I've had at least two people (that aren't Ben Stein) stop me on the street to chat about our iPods ("What size? Mac or Windows? How are the kids?"). It's pretty strange.

    Wed Oct 9 08:29:58 2002
    Last night we saw a sign on the street for a couch for Ton to sleep on. So we called around 11pm and went to see it at midnight. We said we'd give them their asking price if they helped us move it. They were on 13th st. we got 3 blocks and then 2 dudes with skateboard offered us wheels. So we wheeled it home. That part was awesome. I take back some of the things I've said about skateboarders.

    The stairs were a TOTAL BITCH but we finally (and with much pain) made it up them. And then we couldn't fit it through the door! We tried till 2am! Totally sucks. Now there is a couch standing up in our hallway and we don't know what to do about it.

    Crap crap crap!!


    Sat Oct 12 10:21:29 2002
    WHO THE F%@K BOMBS HELSINKI?

    For gods sake, it's Finland! Finland is to the world as Sonny Corleone was to the Corleone family. Their hope for a single member to get away from the morass of violence in which they're mired. Alright, sure - Finnish troops fought against the Soviet Union in the 40's. But I have a funny feeling it wasn't a ex-Red who died in his own mall bombing. If only for the fact that I think a Russian bomber would know how to do it and stay alive.

    But back to the Finns. Seriously, wtf? The only worse thing I could think of is bombing Switzerland.

    Mon Oct 14 23:08:18 2002
    So kennyb maintains this philosophy that you should never upgrade your software- even when it's free.
    I, on the other hand, believe in updating software.
    I mean, new versions of software have bug fixes and new features. Everything about it seems like a good idea. Update your friggin' apps, you know?
    But every time I upgrade, my shit crashes. I currenly have 1 piece of functional software on my PC and it's ACDSee 2.4 (they just released v5).
    So I have to say that while I disagree with Kennyb in theory, I agree with him in practice. Which really pisses me off, since I don't agree with him in practice and I continue to have a shitty computer that crashes constantly. How can he be so wrong and so right at the same time?




    Point is, buy a Mac.


    Tue Oct 15 16:41:02 2002
    Todays rant comes to you courtesy of Jeremy. AKA newspaperheadguy.



    Jackasses,

    I take issue with Monday's rant which concludes "Pointis, buy a Mac." None of you own a MAC. Two of youown an iPod, but that does not give you the right togo around boasting about how a MAC does this, or a MACdoes that. Fuck that, dude. What has this world cometo, when PC geeks start applauding a fucking Mac!?

    I mean, it's a fucking MAC for God's sake! I wouldanalogize this behavior to team allegience shifting(which I have admitedly been guilty of.) Like, forexample, Ben Stein one day deciding that he is aKnicks fan, when all his life he has hated the Knicks. Or even worse, and perhaps an even more apt analogy,is Ben switching to be a Yankees fan because they hadproven to be a winning squad.

    Well, all those fucks who did that are now crying intheir beds because it turns out the Yankees suck andlost in the first round of the playoffs. Likewise,the MAC will fall from grace - from a corporatestandpoint. And the MAC may very well fall from graceafter a software upgrade in the OS - from a crashingstandpoint. But the point is, none of you OWN a macso you are in no position to say one way or anotherthat a MAC is a more stable system! And even if a MACis like an oak, who gives a shit? It's a fucking mac,and macs suck. Just like "the economy sucks, but sowhat, cause sadaam is evil."

    Point is, you are PC guys. I rely on you to be PCguys and until one of you bites the bullet and getsone of these slick little money machines (in whichcase you will be a traitor at best) I expect to abideby your allegience in fact. So the point is NOT "geta MAC". The point is suffer with your PC and itsshitty OS and shitty software upgrades because that iswhat we do. And the person who would opt out ofupgrading his software is the same kind of person whowould arbitrarily be against handicapped ramps.Shameless.

    - G2k




    s'true

    Tue Oct 15 16:41:16 2002
    Todays rant comes to you courtesy of Jeremy. AKA newspaperheadguy.



    Jackasses,

    I take issue with Monday's rant which concludes "Pointis, buy a Mac." None of you own a MAC. Two of youown an iPod, but that does not give you the right togo around boasting about how a MAC does this, or a MACdoes that. Fuck that, dude. What has this world cometo, when PC geeks start applauding a fucking Mac!?

    I mean, it's a fucking MAC for God's sake! I wouldanalogize this behavior to team allegience shifting(which I have admitedly been guilty of.) Like, forexample, Ben Stein one day deciding that he is aKnicks fan, when all his life he has hated the Knicks. Or even worse, and perhaps an even more apt analogy,is Ben switching to be a Yankees fan because they hadproven to be a winning squad.

    Well, all those fucks who did that are now crying intheir beds because it turns out the Yankees suck andlost in the first round of the playoffs. Likewise,the MAC will fall from grace - from a corporatestandpoint. And the MAC may very well fall from graceafter a software upgrade in the OS - from a crashingstandpoint. But the point is, none of you OWN a macso you are in no position to say one way or anotherthat a MAC is a more stable system! And even if a MACis like an oak, who gives a shit? It's a fucking mac,and macs suck. Just like "the economy sucks, but sowhat, cause sadaam is evil."

    Point is, you are PC guys. I rely on you to be PCguys and until one of you bites the bullet and getsone of these slick little money machines (in whichcase you will be a traitor at best) I expect to abideby your allegience in fact. So the point is NOT "geta MAC". The point is suffer with your PC and itsshitty OS and shitty software upgrades because that iswhat we do. And the person who would opt out ofupgrading his software is the same kind of person whowould arbitrarily be against handicapped ramps.Shameless.

    - G2k




    s'true

    Thu Oct 17 18:12:10 2002


    ATF is under a constant self-examination to make sure that we don't accidentally say anything that has some actual content or value (eg anything having to do with politics). But I feel comfortable asking this question because, while certainly something of a political statement, it made me laugh and that's what's important.

    I want to ask Pres. Hussein, on behalf of the international community: "Who are you kidding?" No, really. Who are you kidding? 100% voter turnout and everyone of the Iraqis was pro-Saddam? Random chance is going to have at least one guy with bad eyesite accidentally checking the wrong box. Come on. Not even the New York Times is going to be able to take that seriously.

    Tue Oct 22 08:35:34 2002
    I'm thinking about writing a cgi script that will change the rant to read "UPDATE THE GODDAMN KENNYBLOG" when 3 days have passed without a blog update.

    The dude found a freakin' apartment and he didn't blog about it! I mean, isn't the whole point of the blog? to find out about his housing situation?!? (well, that, and what he's listening to, but that's neither here nor there)


    Fri Oct 25 09:50:21 2002
    UPDATE THE GODDAMN KENNYBLOG

    Tue Oct 29 12:58:29 2002
    UPDATE THE GODDAMN RANT

    Tue Oct 29 12:59:12 2002
    UPDATE THE GODDAMN RANT
    AND FIX THE GODDAMN PHP PAGES

    Tue Oct 29 13:01:01 2002
    UPDATE THE GODDAMN RANT
    To our readers: please stay tuned. All Too Factual is really funny today.

    Wed Oct 30 11:20:56 2002
    I'm so freaking pissed that the databases are fux0r3d. Angry angry angry pissed pissed pissed. Just started this great new fearture that depends on them, moved ask the fish over, and olm is a travesty all of a sudden. I want answers, and I want them now!

    Thu Oct 31 13:38:54 2002

    Hey, not for anything, but who the fuck kills Jam Master Jay? I'm positive it's an industry-motivated killing (what other reason would someone have for busting into a recording studio and whacking him in the head, then walking out? I'm not saying it's an East/West thing, probably just some ass who couldn't get a record deal). But this guy was a hip-hop pioneer. On a list of names of people who did a lot for rap, Jay's comes pretty close to the top. And a turntabilist pioneer, right up there with Afrika Bambatta. If I'm right, and this was somebody in the industry, wtf?

    I just saw Jay when he presided over the National DMC tournament this year, just a month or so ago at the Roxy. We'll miss you, Jay.

    Thu Oct 31 16:12:26 2002
    Hey, not for anything, but who the fuck kills Jam Master Jay? I'm positive it's an industry-motivated killing (what other reason would someone have for busting into a recording studio and whacking him in the head, then walking out? I'm not saying it's an East/West thing, probably just some ass who couldn't get a record deal). But this guy was a hip-hop pioneer. On a list of names of people who did a lot for rap, Jay's comes pretty close to the top. And a turntabilist pioneer, right up there with Afrika Bambatta. If I'm right, and this was somebody in the industry, wtf?I just saw Jay when he presided over the National DMC tournament this year, just a month or so ago at the Roxy. We'll miss you, Jay. SEAN'S NOTE: Amen, Kennyb. And how annoying is it that MSNBC is calling him a "rapper"? He's a DJ! How hard is that to get right? There's only three guys in the band, after all. This is not GusGus. This is not a nine-person Icelandic trip-hop collective. This is like calling Kurt Cobain "drummer for Nirvana." You're a major news organization. Get your goddamn facts straight.

    Thu Oct 31 16:12:49 2002
    Hey, not for anything, but who the fuck kills Jam Master Jay? I'm positive it's an industry-motivated killing (what other reason would someone have for busting into a recording studio and whacking him in the head, then walking out? I'm not saying it's an East/West thing, probably just some ass who couldn't get a record deal). But this guy was a hip-hop pioneer. On a list of names of people who did a lot for rap, Jay's comes pretty close to the top. And a turntabilist pioneer, right up there with Afrika Bambatta. If I'm right, and this was somebody in the industry, wtf?I just saw Jay when he presided over the National DMC tournament this year, just a month or so ago at the Roxy. We'll miss you, Jay. SEAN'S NOTE: Amen, Kennyb. And how annoying is it that MSNBC is calling him a "rapper"? He's a DJ! How hard is that to get right? There's only three guys in the band, after all. This is not GusGus. This is not a nine-person Icelandic trip-hop collective. This is like calling Kurt Cobain "drummer for Nirvana." You're a major news organization. Get your goddamn facts straight.

    Thu Oct 31 16:13:03 2002
    Hey, not for anything, but who the fuck kills Jam Master Jay? I'm positive it's an industry-motivated killing (what other reason would someone have for busting into a recording studio and whacking him in the head, then walking out? I'm not saying it's an East/West thing, probably just some ass who couldn't get a record deal). But this guy was a hip-hop pioneer. On a list of names of people who did a lot for rap, Jay's comes pretty close to the top. And a turntabilist pioneer, right up there with Afrika Bambatta. If I'm right, and this was somebody in the industry, wtf?
    I just saw Jay when he presided over the National DMC tournament this year, just a month or so ago at the Roxy. We'll miss you, Jay.
    SEAN'S NOTE: Amen, Kennyb. And how annoying is it that MSNBC is calling him a "rapper"? He's a DJ! How hard is that to get right? There's only three guys in the band, after all. This is not GusGus. This is not a nine-person Icelandic trip-hop collective. This is like calling Kurt Cobain "drummer for Nirvana." You're a major news organization. Get your goddamn facts straight.

    Fri Nov 1 12:48:49 2002
    I am currently unconcerned with gaining or losing weight, which is nice. Now that I'm married, there's a certain joie de vivre that enables me to eat whatever the hell I damn well please, feel confident that I won't gain weight, and then feel confident that feeling confident that I won't gain weight is in fact preventing me from gaining weight. It's a great system: like Orwell's doublethink, only with getting the belt buckle through the fifth hole instead of the fourth as the ultimate goal instead of, you know, complete subjugation of the people of Oceania.

    Mon Nov 4 13:15:13 2002
    Listen, I don't want to hog the Daily Rant anymore than you want me to hog the Daily Rant. But sometimes someone's gotta step up. The people demand updates, and updates they shall get.

    But as a sop to my colleagues, GO BIG RED!

    Tue Nov 5 13:35:05 2002
    Headbanging really hurts when you have a headache, but sometimes you just can't help it.

    Ouch.


    Wed Nov 6 10:40:17 2002
    The "Open All Folder Items" in Opera comes up surprisingly huge. It's good for the mornings, when I want to hit all of my comics. Each pops up in a different window, and everytime I finish a strip, I just do a little mouse gesture to close the window, which exposes the next comic in line. It's nice.

    Same goes for the news, but that takes a while longer. The problem really comes when you accidentally hit "Open All Folder Items" in the main bookmarks directory. Which I just did. Did you know that not only do I have over 100 bookmarks, but opera is capable of opening that many windows without crashing?

    Thu Nov 7 13:26:47 2002
    I can't help but notice that even as a daily news parody was added to the site and the rate at which the Daily Rant and Kennyblog were updated increased dramatically, there seems to have been a serious drop in the amount of new additions to other areas of the site. Yes, content is being generated--BUT AT WHAT COST???

    Maybe I should write some haiku or something, I don't know. I'm just an annoying late addition--this site's equivalent of Scrappy-Doo.

    Mon Nov 11 11:27:12 2002
    This is a funny news item. Especially the bit about the simian guard.

    Tue Nov 12 10:21:34 2002
    I really like the news these days when kids hurt themselves. It alwayssays something like:

    "Child burns self in Jackass-style stunt"

    I personally think it should have been saying that before the show ever came out.

    Tue Nov 12 23:34:35 2002
    So here's a list of the wonderful things that happened to me today:

    *Wife woke up with atrocious abdominal pains
    *Had to take wife to hospital first thing in the morning
    *Was at hospital for six hours
    *Missed work
    *Found out who got whacked on last Sunday's Sopranos episode before having seen the episode, making me a perfect 3 for 3 in "knowing in advance which big character gets killed" in Sopranos history
    *Driving of wife to unrelated doctor's appointment in Brooklyn took an hour and a half
    *Was unable to attend any birthday festivities for my mom
    *Found out Osama bin Laden is still alive and not a dissipated cloud of pink mist as was previously believed by me

    On the upside, I'm about to reheat and eat a homemade black bean burrito. Mmmm!

    Thu Nov 14 18:26:27 2002
    I wouldn't have guessed it, but finding a free magnet to use for 15 minutes in New York City is way harder than you'd think.
    I've been trying for 2 days and have thus far been unsuccessful. e-mail if you've got one for me.

    Fri Nov 15 11:43:09 2002
    About 2 hours after I posted yesterday's rant about not being able to find magnets in NYC, I went to a wrestling match between giant Japanese monsters, plantains, and chicken soup. It was in a cage. Goddamn.

    Point is, they were selling magnets with pictures of the Evil Dr. Cube (who made the Giant Robot Slug wrestler)! How convenient!

    But this is the rant page, so you can expect some bad news soon: by the time I went to buy them, they were friggin sold out! Disaster!

    Oh, and while I'm ranting, this weekend is the rock-paper-scissors championships. I'm psyched about it, but I'm not feeling very confident, which is getting me down. I mean, I really need to go in there tomorrow in top mental and phsyical condition. As they say "90% of rock-paper-scissors is half mental"


    Sun Nov 17 17:03:57 2002
    To hell with our nation's farmers: it's raining too damn much.

    Thu Nov 21 00:21:17 2002
    Believe you me, you all want to go to amazon.com and buy Fischerspooner's album, #1, right now. These guys are goddamn geniuses. I wish I'd thought of what they're doing and done it myself.

    Fri Nov 22 08:54:43 2002
    Now I'm not saying this is the way it should be, but I just wanted to point out that Mayor Bloomberg could single-handedly erase NYC's budget deficit and still have $2.3 billion in his pocket.

    Mon Nov 25 08:23:44 2002
    THE DELL INTERNS SUXXXX

    Mon Nov 25 11:05:03 2002
    All Too Factual is celebrating its One Month Anniversary! Huge!

    Also, THE DELL INTERNS SUXXX

    Tue Nov 26 12:35:22 2002
    someone just asked me for ethernet cable. I can't believe how mad this makes me. Can you be any more 2001? Jesus! What an absurd request!

    And don't get me started on the fact that it's not an AirPort...


    Tue Nov 26 12:49:32 2002
    someone I know just got a girl's phone number. Jesus! How 2002 is that? I can't stand being friends with so many luddites.

    Wed Nov 27 13:52:41 2002
    going on a trip for 5 days.
    all my consumer electronics.
    camera, laptop for movies, ipod for music, palm phone.
    4 battery chargers.
    And what do I leave a home?
    the headphones.

    sucks.


    Thu Nov 28 16:10:51 2002
    some girl on the airplane asked me if i had one of those phones that could send pictures. and i was like "why would anyone want to take pictures with their phone and send them to people? The only pictures I ever take and send to are people Bejeweled scores and they are pictures *of* my phone. Ironic isn't it?"

    I guess that's a good way to start a 6 hour plane ride.


    Tue Dec 3 10:54:29 2002
    Today I will be spending the day proofreading. Let me just tell you: PROOFREADING SUXXX.

    Tue Dec 3 11:49:53 2002
    Today I will be spending the day proofreading. Let me just tell you: PROOFREADING SUXXX. On a brighter note, looks like people are letting People know that when push comes to shove, he's still just the asshole from Fashionable Male.

    Wed Dec 4 14:33:53 2002
    Dear God! I'm listening to the Smiths right now, and I'm really into it! Somebody punch me, quick!

    Thu Dec 5 12:02:08 2002
    Yeah, I'm disappointed that no one else on the All Too Flat team did anything for All Too Factual's one month anniversary last week. But whaddyagonnado. I'm sure they're all very busy people with no time to spare congratulating the person responsible for the most regularly updated feature in the site's history. No, no, don't take any trouble on my account--I'm perfectly content to sit here in the corner. Thank you, no, I like the gruel better when it's cold. So very, very cold.

    Thu Dec 5 12:02:34 2002
    Yeah, I'm disappointed that no one else on the All Too Flat team did anything for All Too Factual's one month anniversary last week, too. But whaddyagonnado. I'm sure they're all very busy people with no time to spare congratulating the person responsible for the most regularly updated feature in the site's history. No, no, don't take any trouble on my account--I'm perfectly content to sit here in the corner. Thank you, no, I like the gruel better when it's cold. So very, very cold.

    Thu Dec 5 14:57:12 2002

    Well, it's snowing in NYC, which kind of sucks. But is also kind of cool. At least, for the first few hours. When I'm inside. And warm. But soon will start to suck a lot.

    On the upside, I just learned that for some reason my net worth is something like $6000 more than I thought it was, which is awesome. Employer matching to my IRA comes up enormously huge.



    Mon Dec 9 13:24:02 2002
    First, let me promise--there are no Sopranos spoilers in this rant.

    Second, looking back on the criticism heaped on this past season, I've distilled it to one simple sentence:

    "Screw the most complex, moving, well-written character relationships in television history--we want BLOODHSED!!!"

    Tue Dec 10 09:52:54 2002
    Just a side note to all you cereal eaters: always check the expiration date of the milk before you pour it onto your cereal in the morning.

    Wed Dec 11 17:57:57 2002
    I love the ask the fish archive search funtion. I forgot what the p ingrep stood for, so I looked it up.I think this marks the first occasion that I have used something otherthan google to answer a question since I reguraly used AskJeeves back atmy alma mater.

    Wed Dec 11 17:58:11 2002
    I love the ask the fish archive search funtion. I forgot what the p ingrep stood for, so I looked it up.

    I think this marks the first occasion that I have used something otherthan google to answer a question since I reguraly used AskJeeves back atmy alma mater.

    Wed Dec 11 17:58:24 2002
    I love the ask the fish archive search function. I forgot what the p ingrep stood for, so I looked it up.

    I think this marks the first occasion that I have used something otherthan google to answer a question since I reguraly used AskJeeves back atmy alma mater.

    Thu Dec 12 09:06:15 2002
    Dear Mayor Bloomberg,
    I would like to express my dismay and outrage at your new ban of smoking in New York City bars and restaurants. I see this as a serious detriment to my health and wallet- now there will be nothing to deter me from going out drinking every night of the week!!
    Thank you for considering,
    Erik D Fish

    Fri Dec 13 13:28:41 2002
    Jeez, did I ever phone it in today.

    Yours in Grease,
    The Count of Monte Crisco

    Tue Dec 17 11:21:47 2002
    Okay, so I'm on the train into the city this morning, and this old guy sits in the seat in front of me, and he REEKS. I'm talking one degree shy of Pepe LePew-style visible fumes. It actually made my eyes water and my head hurt, I'm not kidding. It smelled as though he had immersed himself in cat urine. And now of course I'm terrified that not unlike Jerry Seinfeld's experience with the B.O.-mobile, I'm going to smell like cat piss all day.

    Fri Dec 20 13:51:00 2002
    I read an article yesterday that if you fake hapiness at work, you're less likely to quit. (that's what makes it into top psychology journals, in case you were wondering). (it's actually interesting- this study refutes older research that concludde that faking hapiness at work made you more stressed out)

    Anyway, I decided to give it a go by eating lunch with 2 co-workers and making conversation:
    B: Did either of you see LotR?
    1: I saw it opening night.
    2: Not yet. Don't tell me anything.
    B: (to 1, attempting lame humor) I liked it, but I didn't like that they killed frodo, sam, and gimli at the end of the movie. I think they should have kept it more like the book.
    1: I didn't read the book.
    2: ...
    B: oh.
    1: ...

    (long silence)

    B: Did you see Harry Potter?
    1: yes.
    B: I really liked Gollum, but I thought Dobby and Jar-Jar were so annoying, even though they were all so similar. Why do think that is?
    1: I didn't think Dobby was annoying.
    B: Really? I thought dobby was so annoying. They even had the same voice, but I really liked Gollum. Maybe because he was funny.
    1: No, the dwarf was the funny one.
    B: ...

    (long silence)

    1: Hey 2, did you take your kids to see harry potter yet?
    2: Yeah, twice.
    1: I still haven't seen it.
    B: Um, did you just say you haven't seen Harry Potter?
    1: Yeah. Not yet.
    B: So the whole time i was talking about Dobby you didn't know what i was talking about?
    1: ...
    2: ...


    Mon Jan 6 12:39:27 2003
    Jesus Christ, it's been a really slow couple of weeks for news. You'd think it'd be a piece of cake to write a parody after three weeks of material had built up. Manichevitz, would you ever be wrong.

    Thu Jan 9 15:21:23 2003
    Well it really really really could happen
    Yes it really really really could happen
    If the days, they seem to fall through you
    Well just let them go

    --Blur, "The Universal"

    Is that song awesome or what?

    Fri Jan 10 11:05:03 2003
    Gents, I hope you don't mind indulging the Bandit in some politicking:"You know what Iíd like to hear, just once? 'As a New Yorker, I remember too well the death and destruction that arrived on our doorstep that day in September. As an American, I worry about regimes who possess both the means to kill innocent citizens and the devilish will to do it. As an artist, I value the freedom I have in a pluralistic, secular democracy, and I realize that these traits are not only rare and worthy of defense, but deserve to be extended to people in other nations. As a student of history, I am impressed by how our military - which has the ability to annihilate cities and nations - has spent billions to develop weapons that destroy a single building. Surely this says as much about us as our crass and extroverted culture; what other nation with our abilities would take such care? Presented with enemies who build weapons factories next to kindergartens, we invent missiles that take the former and spare the latter. This may not mean we are right, but it surely means we are are bound by a notion of decency our opposites lack. As a human being, I mourn the loss of innocent life that will surely attend any war - but I must admit, if we could have prevented 9/11 with a military action that cost a dozen innocent lives, I would have supported it with the reluctance that must attend any act of organized violence. And finally, as a filmmaker who lives in a special kind of isolation, surrounded mostly with affluent like-minded people from the arts community, I must admit that when it comes to foreign affairs and military matters I donít know what the hell Iím talking about.'"

    --James Lileks

    Fri Jan 10 11:05:24 2003
    Gents, I hope you don't mind indulging the Bandit in some politicking:

    "You know what Iíd like to hear, just once? 'As a New Yorker, I remember too well the death and destruction that arrived on our doorstep that day in September. As an American, I worry about regimes who possess both the means to kill innocent citizens and the devilish will to do it. As an artist, I value the freedom I have in a pluralistic, secular democracy, and I realize that these traits are not only rare and worthy of defense, but deserve to be extended to people in other nations. As a student of history, I am impressed by how our military - which has the ability to annihilate cities and nations - has spent billions to develop weapons that destroy a single building. Surely this says as much about us as our crass and extroverted culture; what other nation with our abilities would take such care? Presented with enemies who build weapons factories next to kindergartens, we invent missiles that take the former and spare the latter. This may not mean we are right, but it surely means we are are bound by a notion of decency our opposites lack. As a human being, I mourn the loss of innocent life that will surely attend any war - but I must admit, if we could have prevented 9/11 with a military action that cost a dozen innocent lives, I would have supported it with the reluctance that must attend any act of organized violence. And finally, as a filmmaker who lives in a special kind of isolation, surrounded mostly with affluent like-minded people from the arts community, I must admit that when it comes to foreign affairs and military matters I donít know what the hell Iím talking about.'"

    --James Lileks

    Fri Jan 10 16:18:16 2003
    The chances of me becoming either the Beatles or Kobe Bryant when I grow up are growing desparately slim.

    Mon Jan 13 13:19:13 2003
    Boycott Symantec
  • Purchased 1 year subscription to Norton Antivirus.
  • Registration number not accepted
  • Looked online for 20 minutes. No Help
  • Tried to find a phone nubmer for 30 minutes. No luck.
  • Used Bloomberg to find corporation phone number.
  • Got them to give me customer service number
  • Recording at customer service said "Sorry. No one can help you today"
  • FUCK THAT!Moral: Do not buy software. it does work as well as the pirated versions it AND you are cheated out of money.

    Tue Jan 21 14:11:58 2003
    Okay, there's really no excuse for us to have let the Daily Rant go eight days without being updated. I mean, "Daily" is in the thing's name, but even with that excepted, all it is is a place to rant about anything we want. I repeat, ANY DAMN THING WE WANT. Surely there was something in the last EIGHT FREAKING DAYS that irritated one of us! The Golden Globes? The anti-war protests? Joe Millionaire? The elevated risk that Britney Spears and Fred Durst will mate and reproduce? C'mon, people!

    Wed Jan 22 12:30:25 2003
    I just realized that all three of this week's All Too Flat entries mocked the UN. I thought this was excessive, until I realized that, y'know, it's the UN.

    Sat Jan 25 21:55:00 2003
    Two things: 1) Why am I the only one writing rants? 2) Why is it so hard for me to remember that it's 2003 now? I've entered "2002" into the ATFact writer twice, thus robbing all six of my fans of their daily dose of ridiculousness. It's frustrating!

    Tue Jan 28 12:36:38 2003
    The Sopranos may not have directly inspired that killing. Still, we should probably cancel the show, round up all the copies, burn them, and forbid everyone from ever making anything like it ever again, y'know, just to be safe. After all, once Beavis and Butt-Head went off the air no one ever burned down their house ever again.

    Thu Jan 30 23:03:05 2003
    I hate paying rent for February because it always seems like you're getting ripped off that month. Only 28 days and you have to pay full price! What's up with that?

    Sun Feb 2 21:03:13 2003
    I was reading a magazine today (Technology Review) and they refered to us as "hacktivists."

    Tue Feb 4 11:52:16 2003
    Hey, I'm not any happier about it than you are, but that new 50 Cent song is pretty good.

    Wed Feb 5 15:24:54 2003
    Perhaps the best thing about working out in a gym that's populated exclusively by Ivy League graduates is the fact that everyone there is pretty much guaranteed to be politically skewed to the right. The extension of which is that, during conversations about todays political situation, I never hear any of the following phrases:

  • "It's all about the oil!"
  • "President Bush is the real war criminal here."
  • "I agree with France on this one."
  • "No, I can't go out that day - I'll be attending the anti-war rally."

    Wed Feb 5 17:33:45 2003
    Awesome Winston Churchill quote:
    "This is the sort of English up with which I cannot put."


    Fri Feb 7 11:06:14 2003
    I was just reading something on the National Review online (dear god whatever happened to my life?) and I came across a line that made me laugh:

    Joe Millionaire is a useful reminder that while we may indeed be the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals, in apprehension like gods, et cetera, et cetera, we are at the same time very closely related to chimps.


    Fri Feb 7 19:48:19 2003
    "Do you mean to tell me I spent the last 15 minutes helping you decide what to wear and it was for the shirt you are wearingunder your shirt?!?!?"

    Girls are such a pain in the tuchos.


    Fri Feb 7 19:48:33 2003
    "Do you mean to tell me I spent the last 15 minutes helping you decide what to wear and it was for the shirt you are wearing under your shirt?!?!?"

    Girls are such a pain in the tuchos.


    Sun Feb 9 16:50:50 2003
    woof. writing this user login crizzap was a serious endeavor. and it's still buggy. that's a bummer man. As if we'd dream of taking your bullshit money.

    Sun Feb 9 16:51:28 2003
    Also, I hate that I'm the least daddiest of them all.

    Thu Feb 13 12:03:11 2003
    I got this email from Sam last week. I thought it was pretty funny:

    so, i come into work, and i'm so psyched about eating my farina. (if i'mkenny, i'm thinking farina is HUGE, so HUGE) i go downstairs to thecafeteria to get my cup of hot water (which they charged me $0.16 for).after putting my farina into the water and mixing vigorously for severalminutes, i realized i had entirely too much water in the cup. so i went tothe water fountain, to spoon out some of the extra water. it's not toohard, cause the farina sinks to the bottom of the cup anyway. as i gotcloser to the farina when spooning, more and more granules were beingspooned into the water fountain, which signaled to me that i had takenenough water out. except that the granules of farina that i had spooned outhadn't drained completely in the water fountain, so it looked like someonepuked in it. the weak stream of water from the fountain didn't help cleanit all, because some of the farina granules had gotten stuck in the farreaches of the corners of the water fountain. since i had nothing in myhand to fill with water, i started taking mouthfuls of water and spittingthem over the corners of the fountain to help wash those granules away.

    that's when my friend kristen came to the water fountain to fill her waterbottle. instead of a normal trip there, she finds me hunched over thefountain, with a starbucks cup full of farina in my hand, spitting waterinto the corners of the fountain, which look like they're covered in puke.needless to say, i will now be more diligent about regulating my water levelwhen making future trips to make my farina.

    Thu Feb 20 16:01:05 2003
    Not for anything, but the whole "I have to wear hip waders to get to work" thing is starting to piss me off. It was bad enough that the reason I got snowed in Ithaca this weekend was that it snowed a lot in New York City (as opposed to Ithaca, which got something like 1/3 less snow). But then we have these ridiculously nice days! Now the temperature is nearly 50 degrees, and the 50 inches of snow that fell has been transformed into a raging river along the new york streets.

    On the upside, at least I can hear spring banging on the doors, which is going to come up huge.

    Sun Feb 23 13:30:52 2003
    have y'all seen that nike commercial that starts with kidd and parker, andthen has a bunch of street ball, and then nash and payton?

    it's a pretty cool, but here's the thing that struck me: basketball isprobably SO MUCH MORE FUN when you can play like that! God Damn!


    Wed Feb 26 21:39:14 2003
    Not Hot?!??! What the heck? Y'know we work day and night to bring this website to you (which is funny cuz we all have day jobs). Well, sir, we brought this website into existance and we can damn well take it out if we please. I'm not saying nothing. Just, y'know....a little support would be nice.

    Tue Mar 4 11:39:11 2003
    Look, if you're a spam-bot scanning this website looking for email addresses, i think you should stop. the spam has been ridiculous the past couple days...i can only take so many emails from sierra leone...drastic action is in order. shut down the site! shut down the site!

    Tue Mar 11 12:28:09 2003
    Take advantage of these uncertain times by discovering the true depths of your natural inherent loathing of the French

    Thu Mar 13 16:10:11 2003

    I'd like to take this opportunity to make a shout-out to the Constitution of the United States of America, and to it's framers. Good job guys! I'm a really big fan of you all!

    Sincerely -
    kennyb

    Mon Mar 17 15:30:30 2003
    Today I got sick of the friction between the mouse and my desk, so I washed off my desk, and now it works like a dream. So basically I had a thin layer of filth between my desk and my mouse. Listen, I didn't say it was an exciting Rant or anything--it's just what went down. I thought it was plenty interesting FUCK YOU

    Wed Mar 19 14:39:23 2003
    CITIBANK SUXX

    Wed Mar 19 14:48:27 2003
    Stupid corporate phones make you dial 9 first and crappy ass new york city going to 10-digit dialing and having 212 as the area code.
    I definitely just dialed FOUR (4) wrong numbers calling someone, including one to the police.
    dumb ass.

    Thu Mar 20 10:58:51 2003
    This is a test of the new mail send system.

    Thu Mar 20 11:06:21 2003
    Another test huge

    Thu Mar 20 11:08:02 2003
    hugehuge

    Thu Mar 20 11:15:06 2003
    I know this isn't a spot for political commentary, so I won't comment. I'd just like to take this opportunity to say good luck to our troops (and to those of the United Kingdom and Australia) overseas. Here's to hoping everyone gets home safe and sound.

    Tue Mar 25 12:53:51 2003
    I've got to say that as far as reality tv is concerned, MTV really does it right. Maximal human misery and misbehavior with minimal cheesy dramatic music. Also, they're hot! And no eating cow balls and vomiting!

    Wed Mar 26 17:07:04 2003
    Ahem.

    Afghanistan, Albania, Australia, Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Columbia, Costa Rica, the Czech Republic, Denmark, the Dominican Republic, El Salvador, Eritrea, Estonia, Georgia, Honduras, Hungary, Iceland, Italy, Japan, Latvia, Lithuania, Macedonia, Mongolia, Netherlands, Nicaragua, Panama, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Rwanda, Singapore, Slovakia, South Korea, Spain, Turkey, Uganda, the United Kingdom, Uzbekistan.

    Oh, right. And the United States. You know, I look French when I was in high school, but Petite Pete Chanover never got around to teaching me that "unilateral" meant "I'm a dumbass."

    Wed Mar 26 17:07:36 2003
    Ahem.

    Afghanistan, Albania, Australia, Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Columbia, Costa Rica, the Czech Republic, Denmark, the Dominican Republic, El Salvador, Eritrea, Estonia, Georgia, Honduras, Hungary, Iceland, Italy, Japan, Latvia, Lithuania, Macedonia, Mongolia, Netherlands, Nicaragua, Panama, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Rwanda, Singapore, Slovakia, South Korea, Spain, Turkey, Uganda, the United Kingdom, Uzbekistan.

    Oh, right. And the United States. You know, I look French when I was in high school, but Petite Pete Chanover never got around to teaching me that the translation of "unilateral" is "I'm a dumbass."

    Fri Mar 28 21:38:25 2003
    I'm not sure that it's appropriate for MSNBC to have war theme music that sounds like it samples the drums from "When the Levee Breaks." I mean, I guess that war is like a broken levee insofar as cryin' won't help ya and prayin' won't do you no good, but still.

    At any rate, haven't we heard enough songs that did that? "Rhymin' and Stealin'," "Army of Me," "Man Next Door"--we've been there already. How 'bout a war theme song that uses the riff from Creedence's version of "Good Golly Miss Molly"?

    Wait a minute. I think I took this rant in the wrong direction. Sorry. It's probably because I'm thinkin' 'bout my baby and my happy home.

    Okay. That's enough. It's really a waste of time to write this much. No one reads these, anyway, especially over the weekend.

    As a matter of fact, if you read this, please email criscobandit@alltooflat.com and let me know what you thought. Thank you. I tell you, folks, writin' this stuff's got what it takes to make a mountain man leave his home.

    Mon Mar 31 15:40:13 2003
    what the heck? it snowed 3 inches yesterday and 1 inch today. crummy smarch weather.

    Mon Mar 31 22:24:38 2003
    I think members should have rant access.

    Tue Apr 1 15:00:09 2003
    I can't believe it's only Tuesday. That sucks so badly!

    Thu Apr 3 10:54:10 2003
    As much as I love seeing stories like "Army Takes Karbalah; Marines Take Kut" and "Two Republican Guard Divisions 'Destroyed,'" I like this kind of story even more.

    Mon Apr 7 12:59:59 2003
    When it's cold i like to die. Okay. 4-8" of snow in Manhatten. In April. This should be the rant for the next 6 moths. Total crap.

    Wed Apr 9 13:51:37 2003
    (note: this isn't funny. And it's political, and so should be replaced by one of the other members of ATF soon. But I have a need)


    Just a few hours ago, I watched a live webcast of a joint effort by US military and Iraqi nationals to pull down a statue of Saddam Hussein. In the middle of Baghdad. Quite frankly, I was moved, nearly to tears. For a slew of reasons, I suppose - The hundreds of civilians dancing around the fallen statue and hugging US servicemen, the knowledge that the heaviest fighting is probably over (even though it's not perfectly safe now, nor will it be for a while), the fact that hundreds of torture chambers and execution rooms will go unused, the release of over a hundred political prisoners from a childs prison, the picture I have right now on my desktop of an Iraqi girl holding a US flag...

    But most of all, I was moved by the fact that once again, America is sucessful in our quest to do the right thing. Say what you will about the motivations of the US government to do what we did - prattle on that it's a Zionist conspiracy, an economic ploy, a misdirection, a result of alien mind control, or whatever other nonsense Indymedia is spouting. But what we did was remove a fascist dictator from power, and brought down one of the most repressive regimes in the world today; a regime that ranks (I'm sorry, I'm ecstatically happy to mean ranked) pretty high on a list of organizations inimical to human rights and international safety. So continue your protests and marches (they make me happy, to be honest; they remind me that such behavior is protected in this country, unlike the regime they implicitly support). But do me a personal favor and take a moment to give thanks that, even if you think we did it for the wrong reasons, we found it necessary to do. Give thanks that, even if only as a side effect, there will be no chance of another genocide by the Iraqi military, no chance that Brown Shirts (or the Ba'athist equivalent) will spirit political dissidents off the street never to be seen again, and a good chance that one day Iraq will be able to join with America in our quest to do what's right, even in the midst of overwhelming opposition.

    Thu Apr 10 15:26:14 2003
    Rachel? Jesus, people, isn't that a little...pedestrian? And it's not even like I think you should all be ha-ha-funny and vote for Blanche. The answer is Phoebe. Seriously, everyone, Phoebe is the answer. Has the world gone mad?

    Mon Apr 21 14:46:53 2003
    I have a very special e-mail account that I only use for reputable business transactions and other super important things. I work very hard at keeping it spam-free. Which has been going pretty well for almost 4 years now, which is impressive.

    I recently exaplained to my girlfriend that it's a good idea to keep one (or more) junk e-mail addresses that you can use whenever you have to give your address away and you know you're going to get spammed to hell. That is how I kept my special account spam-free. I always use a junk e-mail and I never give out my special address.

    For some reason, my girlfriend recently decided that it would be a good idea to use my secret business address as her junk spam e-mail address. And hilarity ensued!



    Dude. It totally sucks.


    Fri Apr 25 17:28:00 2003
    All my friends are such pussies. Why don't they just shut their pie holes and write linux drivers for the Intel Centrino mobile chipset? If they spent as much time writing drivers as they did writing letters to Intel, they'd be done already.

    Tue Apr 29 12:04:22 2003
    This is a copy of an email from my Mom:
    I was invited to a private screening on opening dayfor a movie sequel. I got all excited and then foundout it is Matrix II. I hated the first one. Bummer.

    And I thought my girlfriend spamming my business e-mail account was the worst thing that's ever happened!


    Tue Apr 29 12:04:43 2003
    This is a copy of an email from my Mom:
    I was invited to a private screening on opening dayfor a movie sequel.
    I got all excited and then foundout it is Matrix II.
    I hated the first one. Bummer.

    And I thought my girlfriend spamming my business e-mail account was the worst thing that's ever happened!


    Wed Apr 30 20:18:32 2003
    You know what trend I can really get behind? Little kids dancin' up a storm in videos. The little breakdancing girls in Missy Elliot's "Work It" and "Gossip Folks," that cute little guy in p.j.'s in Sean Paul's "Get Busy"... I mean, how can you NOT enjoy little munchkins doing the robot? It's somewhat upsetting that at age 5 they're better dancers than I am, but that's really neither here nor there.

    Sat May 10 13:00:38 2003
    bitch bitch bitch, new web server test

    Tue May 13 15:34:16 2003
    Alltooflat.com being down was a non-trivial disaster, to use the parlance of our times.

    Thu May 15 15:27:21 2003
    I think I discovered a flaw in the Matrix (that is to say, the Matrix in which we live).

    It's Pepsi cola.

    Today at work I saw someone walk to the fridge, which has both cans of Pepsi and cans of Coke. He took out a Pepsi. So I asked him "Do you actually prefer Pepsi to Coke?" He looked at me, looked at his Pepsi, then back at me. "Actually, I like Coke a lot more. I don't know why I took a Pepsi. That's strange."

    Flaw in the Matrix.


    Thu May 22 12:17:49 2003
    If I were the cynical type, I'd say that Ruben's victory over Clay is proof that America likes gay men even less than it likes black men.

    Fri May 23 14:22:30 2003
    It's going to be funny if dubya goes down in history as the president that brought peace to the middle east.

    not ha-ha funny though.


    Tue May 27 00:19:04 2003
    Using cows with Mad Cow disease to clear mine fields is a very good idea. Talk about killing 2 birds with one stone. Or 500,000 cows with half a million mines.

    Tue May 27 17:14:43 2003
    Bruce Almighty passed the Matrix Reloaded this week for the number 1 spot on the box office grossing over $85 million.

    Never underestimate the mass-market appeal of a dog taking a crap on a toilet.


    Wed May 28 12:43:09 2003
    I think 50 Cent has lovely eyes.

    Fri May 30 10:34:55 2003
    I know there is really nothing funny about stuff like this, so I'm sorry. But I really can't help but laugh everytime I see their name in print.

    Mon Jun 2 12:14:30 2003
    Seriously, is it too much to ask for Wolverine to be sexy?

    Mon Jun 2 12:14:45 2003
    Seriously, is it too much to ask for Wolverine to be sexy?
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