In an attempt to increase the frequency of updates to the site, we are adding yet another freaking blog. I don't know why we think this will increase the frequency of updates to site - we have at least three of the things anyway, and they are updated just about as often as Boston wins the World Series. But we try. Ask The Fish will now be done blog style, with new entries getting posted as soon as they are answered. Expect the same quality of advice that you have come to expect (from what is either a 800 lb halibut with a highly defined sense of irony, or one of four uber-geeks with nothing better to do on a Saturday night).

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New: Search the Ask the Fish archives!

Dear Ask the Fish,
What type of fish are you? (apart from part dog-part fish). Would you take offence if I were to gut and eat you?

Clifton
Australia
-Clifton

Dear Clifton,
I'm a halibut, genetically speaking. Which is to say that if and when I mate with halibut of the opposite sex, my partner will spawn other halibut, which will be fertile. And if they're anything like me, they'll be really fertile. Awwww, yeah. Obviously I have some particularly non-halibut like qualities (head of a dog, ability to type on a keyboard, attention span long enough to hold a steady job doing an advice column), but when the revolution comes, I'm going to be marching in the hali-battalion.

And as for whether I would take offence if you were to gut and eat me. . . Well, kind of yes, and kind of no. I mean, on one hand, I'm a fish and you're a human. And, well, it is kind of the way of things. I mean, the diet of an adult halibut will include things ranging from octopus to other fish (including, embarassingly enough, smaller halibut). So it'd be the purest hypocrisy of me to fault your desire to eat me. It's not like it would even be cannibalism.

On the other hand - fuck you, you psycopath!
-ATF

19 Jul 2006

Dear Ask the Fish,
why is it ask the fish. why cant it be ask the dog, or ask the bunny. i hate fish
-Ryan

Dear Ryan,
Well, I'm not much of a fan of humans, but you don't see me getting on your case about something you didn't have much of a choice in, eh?
-ATF

29 Apr 2007

Dear Ask the Fish,
how do u get a hott guy to like you?

-Lindsey

Dear Lindsey,
Send Kennyb a picture of you in lingerie, wearing glasses and typing on a laptop. There's a distinct possibility a marriage proposal will be in the offing.
-ATF

17 Aug 2006

Dear Ask the Fish,
dear dear
-dear dear

Dear dear,
Good question.
-ATF

02 Oct 2006

Dear Ask the Fish,
How do you light your pipe?
-Flash

Dear Flash,
I use a zippo. I used to use a regular bic disposible, but then I saw this, and I thought it was super cool.

If only I had an opposable thumb I'd be set. Honestly, fingers of any sort would be incredibly convenient.
-ATF

17 Aug 2006

Dear Ask the Fish,

tournament-poker-online.html
...

- texas holdem hand percentages

Dear ,
Fuck you.
-ATF

14 Jul 2006

Dear Ask the Fish,
I was wondering if I should take a trip to hell because I've had some trouble buying tickets, is it really worth it??
-I am become Death

Dear I,
As far as I can figure, it really depends on the tickets. the Pixies, the Queers, or some other band that isn't touring too much for whatever reason. . . Could be worth it. And then of course, if it's Hootie and the Blowfish (who, by the way, Ben loves), you may as well take a trip to Hell to get the tickets, if only to provide a frame of reference for the show itself which will feel like being in Hell.
-ATF

20 Oct 2006

Dear Ask the Fish,
how old are you
-Sam Foust

Dear Sam,
Tough question. In general, there's a fool-proof way to find out the age of a halibut - if you count the lines on the stomach of a halibut and subtract 6 you get our age in decades (just about as well as you can do with a creature as long lived as us). But I'm too ticklish to let any of the anyone move my fins out of the way to do the counting.

Well, I suppose there are a few people I'd let do it (most of them redheads), but usually the types of girls I like aren't the types of girls who would get that close to the belly of a fish. Its kind of a Marxian 'Wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member' kind of thing.
-ATF

20 Oct 2006

Dear Ask the Fish,
Hey fish,

Dude, I have a real problem here, and I just know I'll never get a response from you on this in time to make a difference.

Here's the deal: About 10 years ago, I fell completely head over heels in love with a very cool chick. We dated for a while, and it was good. Then she moved away and started dating other guys. This destroyed me, and I literally tried to drink myself to death. At the time I was beginning a promising career. Any progress I could have made was erased by my self-loathing and the dim hope that I could someday win her back.

I tried everything to win her back, but she simply did not love me. I don't mean to dwell on this point. I merely want to stress to you how broken I was at the time. A failed suicide attempt landed me in jail, and I gave up on ever having any sort of happiness again. She, of course, vanished without a trace into the wide world.

Time passed. I had several very effed-up and unhealthy relationships with girls I cared nothing for. Eventually I was reunited with a high-school girlfriend that I had lost touch with. We dated for a few years, and eventually got married. She's very nice to me and we have a great relationship. Not perfect, but great, y'know?

Today, I received a communication out of the blue from this gal I dated years ago. I know I should ignore he and stay far away, but now that I know where she is and what she was doing, I'm all messed up again. It's like all of the fixing of myself that happened after she was gone has been erased, and there's still this scared, stupid kid who would do anything just to see her again.

Fish, or Kennyb, or whoever you are, I am in a bad way here. I need some excellent advice and at once.

Thanks

-Mayday

Dear Mayday,
I'm not going to tell you anything you don't already know, duder. You're married in a loving relationship, have your life relatively on track, and have a history of making bad decisions regarding this girl. Learn from your mistakes, and do not get involved. Write her back, give her the 30-sec view into your life (making the marriage prominent), and end with "Well, it was nice to hear from you. Hope you remain well." Then take your old lady out to a nice dinner and get her to do something sexually deviant with you, just to show you that you still got it.

Instead of thanking me, when you're booping the ball and chain, make her call you Eric.
-ATF

14 Jul 2006

Dear Ask the Fish,
this girl gave me her email address but wont talk to me. WTF?
-Not a Homo

Dear Not,
Seems clear to me that if she wanted to talk to you, she would have given you her phone number.
-ATF

19 Jul 2006

Dear Ask the Fish,
garson28@hotmail.com
-garson28@hotmail.com

Dear garson28@hotmail.com,
Good question.
-ATF

17 Aug 2006

Dear Ask the Fish,
Whose idea was the Rubik's Cube prank?
-Need to Know in North Bellmore

Dear Need,
Sean's.
-ATF

02 Oct 2006

Got a question? Need advice? Ask the Fish!