Dear Awed,
Really stinkin'.
-ATF

Dear ajitkumarl,
I know it's cliche, but I really think its going to be the all-in-one device. High-speed, fully functional wireless data connection, seamlessly integrated with your personal data assistant and your cellular phone. The cellular phone which is connected via a wireless protocol to both your surgically implanted ear piece, and your upper palette microphone. Oh, and it will do streaming audio of all of the music on your harddrive at home, so you'll always have access to your entire music collection.

You know, the problem with me thinking about stuff like this is that when I salivate, it soaks into my scales.
-ATF

Dear Sex,
I'm anadromous. But do me a favor - don't waste my time. It's in the FAQ.
-ATF

Dear Shadey,
An interesting question, but one I'm afraid that cannot be answered. As we all know (or would if we all listened to the song), pi has no end (being an irrational number). Therefore, we are unable to reverse it, since we would are unable to find a starting place!
-ATF

Dear kermit,
That's a really good question. I think that the parameters are a bit too widely defined, though. So if you don't mind, we'll keep it just to the classic Muppets. Went about answering this question in two ways. First, we did it off the top of our heads, matching what we know about each other to our knowledge of muppets. Doing it this way, we come up with the following:

Ben: Kermit. The boy usually acts as our spokesperson when we need one, generally performs introductions, and (until we all got palm pilots) was the only one of us who could keep appointments straight. I also happen to have some personal knowledge that he has been in the uncomfortable position of having to stave off an amorous pig more than once.

Kennyb: Both Statler and Waldorf. Doing some muppet research, we read that their special talents are "Heckling, complaining, being cantankerous." Sounds about right. Another strong accordance can be seen if you look at the word count to parenthetical statement ratio.

Ton: Definitely Dr. Benson Honeydew. To quote a line from the Wu-Tang clan "We form like Voltron, and [Ton] is the head." He's the genius behind the google mirror, and I've actually seen the boy put together a turkey fryer using only a toaster oven and a empty bucket from KFC. He's real smart. Except he's also Rowlf, since he's got what's known as "mad musical skillz."

However, according to the "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz, Kennyb is Fozzie, Ton is Fozzie, and Ben is Fozzie. Which we have somewhat mixed reactions too: You could definitely make a case for it, but we think that it just shows that all of these stupid online quizzes aren't even worth the paper on which they're printed.
-ATF

Dear triggerman,
1 USD (United States Dollar) = 1.82582 AUD (Australia Dollars)

But you can't get it exchanged at a bank unless you turn the US dollar upside down.
-ATF

Dear Pete,
Depends on what you have. Treatments for sickness vary widely with the specific kind of sick. I find that I'm most prone to contracting Ichthyophthirius, finrot, and the occasional case of Back Barnacles. Lucky for me, I have a brother-in-law who's a nurse shark, and he writes me scripts for antibiotics; tends to clear these right up. My advice to you is feed a cold, starve a flu, and bring everything else to your physician.
-ATF

Dear Fishbaby,
How flattering! I can't make any promises, but I can give you a couple of suggestions that I believe made me the fish I am today:

Dear Getting,
I don't like to proselytize, but people keep asking questions like this. We're not big fans of smoking around here. First of all, do you have any idea what you need to light a cigarette underwater? Second of all, smoking is really really bad for you. So, to answer your question, a good time to stop smoking is about ten minutes before you start. That way you'll save all the expense, and still be able to tell people that you quit (thereby gaining their praise and admiration).
-ATF

Dear Searching,
That's a good question. It's actually one that my boss has been asking me a lot. I'll tell you exactly what I tell him: LOOK OVER THERE! >bolt<
-ATF

Dear Herman,
If the lamp is hanging from the ceiling, the insect can't very well fly over the lamp, can it?
-ATF

Dear fish,
That's a really good question, and something we should have addressed earlier. In order to keep track of user statistics on ATF, we utilize a service called CQ Counter. This allows us to see detailed access logs, unique IP counts, reload statistics, and the like. Rest assured that we at alltooflat (and to the best of our knowledge, all the services we use) are devoted to your privacy, and none of the information will be freely given to (or to be honest, is desired by), any external party.
-ATF

Dear Curious,
Ahem. It ain't your chain she's jerking, son.
-ATF

Dear Manitobou,
I can't believe it took so long for someone to ask this question.

The sky is blue because of a phenomenon called Rayleigh Scattering. White light (light that has components from the entire visible spectrum) from the sun passes through our atmosphere. As it does so, some of the light is absorbed by the molecules that make up the atmosphere. Low wavelength light (blue, violet) are more likely to be absorbed than higher wavelength light (reds, yellows). When a gas molecule absorbs energy from a light photon, it quickly emits it in a different direction (but with the same wavelength). This is happening with many of the atmospheric molecules, all the time, thereby spreading the low wavelength energies all over the sky. As a result, on the ground you see blue light coming from all over the atmosphere, making the sky blue.

This is also part of the reason that the sun (which is really a white light source) looks yellow. The energies that are making the sky blue come from the light of the sun. The blue portion of sunlight is being scattered all over the sky, while the reds and yellows are allowed to pass straight through. If you were to see the sun from a zero atmosphere environment (i.e. space), it would appear white.
-ATF

Dear Andy,
We at the fish don't believe in luck. Ain't no such beast - just probability distributions. But I'll tell you this: At an average of height of 1.75 meters, and weight of 55 kilos (about 120 lbs), the Dromaius novaehollandiae is definitely going to put a serious hurting to that vehicle of yours. Not to mention the abuse you're going to have to take from the emu farmer that is invariably in charge of the beastie. On the other hand, the bird (which happens to be the second largest bird in existence) can run at speeds up to 50km/hr. So it's pretty unlikely that you are going to whack into one.
-ATF

Dear surfing,
That's a pretty serious problem, I will admit. Well, if you have a Samsung i300, a Handspring Treo, or a Blackberry device, you can browse the wireless web, send emails, and do many of the things that a standard net connection can permit. Only smaller and crappier.
Once you purchase one of these, we suggest checking out the ATF Joke repository, which is accessible on the wireless web! (Point your WW device to http://www.alltooflat.com/wap/jokes/jokes.php)
-ATF

Dear ,
There are a couple of reasons. First (and potentially most importantly), neither google nor Opera directly link to Websters when you click a search term (google uses Dictionary.com, and Opera uses Infoplease. Secondly, who uses Websters? Did you know that any nebbish can put out a dictionary and call it "Webster's"? If it says "Merriam-Webster," than it's the stuff. But we don't like any company that allows itself to get caught as a victim in that sort of cheap name-recognition theft. Finally, the OED is the standard text for those in the know. And it's free; it's tougher to get more "reasonably priced" than free.
-ATF

Dear ,
Everyone who works at alltooflat was so psyched to get this email. Thanks a lot! We aim to please. I'm afraid that we cannot help you, however. Like birds fly south, and the halibut swims towards deeper water to spawn, so too are we driven to generate funny content and post it online. It would be fighting against the forces of nature, so to speak.
-ATF