Dear Ask the Fish,
Is the black space between stars ment to hold the stars together or to seperate them?
-Stary eyed

Dear Stary,
It's really a question about where you put your eyes, you know? Negative space or positive space? I like to think that stars are the background and the black stuff is in front with a few holes in it. I guess that's why I'm a lot like the ancient Romans. But to answer your question, if by "black space" you meant "gravity," then yes, it holds them together.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
is there another "life"?????
-JoHn

Dear JoHn,
Just Cinnamon.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
My mother-in-law (who's an expert in everything in the universe) insists that you can SWEETEN the bitter tips of a cucumber by cutting off the tips and RUBBING them on the middle part of the cucumber. What do you think?
-Farmer Lawrence

Dear Farmer,
I think she's crazy. But you can't go and tell her that! Ha! You've got to agree!
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Whats the opposite to "opposite" ?
-Andi

Dear Andi,
synonym. or etisoppo.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
The most popular brand of bread in Mexico is Bimbo. No kidding. So my friend and I thought it would be hilarious if they made Pan Bimbo T-shirts with the logo, which is like this friendly teddy bear (see their website, www.bimbo.com.mx), on them, along with the word "Bimbo." But no luck finding such shirts. Any idea where to find if they exist?
-Big Bimbo

Dear Big,
The easiest way to do this is to buy it from yourself. With just a little work with a graphics program (I suggest Adobe Photoshop - it's industry standard) you can steal the graphics from their site and set them up however you'd like them. Then, set up an account with CafePress (it's free to set up), and design a shirt with your bimbo on it, and purchase it.
It's a little expensive, but the best part is that since you're buying from yourself, you get some of the money back! I suppose the only problem with this solution is the fact that there is a small possibility that you'll be dragged off to some Mexican prison for copyright violations. And I'll tell you, I've spent a little time in a cell in Oaxaca: Intellectual property violaters don't get much respect in the joint.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Why is my name funny? I don't get it.
-Casper Milquetoast

Dear Casper,
It's no funnier than being named Dilbert, Snoopy, or Sadie Hawkins.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
What is your opinion on the song "I'm a little yellow fish"? It indicates that existing as a fish is negative, I am sure you do not agree.
-Looking at a lampshade

Dear Looking,
The Little Yellow Fish isn't the only one who wants to be out of the water. The Little Mermaid, Harry Houdini, and Leonardo DiCaprio are just a few examples of folks who didn't want to be in the water. But to be honest with you, the life of a fish is not so bad.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
What is the meaning of Liff?
-Seeking the Meaning

Dear Seeking,
A book, the contents of which are totally belied by its cover. For instance, any book the dust jacket of which bears the words. 'This book will change your life'.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
I'm just starting my internet experience with broadband (Cable modem, yummy) and aside from ATF, what are the 10 best sites to check out for fun?
-Broadband Larry

Dear Broadband,
We have a collection of some good ones at our Links page. Hours of fun!
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
What is the best non-spyware, ad-free Napster alternative? is there even one? What do you reccommend?
-Napster withdrawal boy

Dear Napster,
That's an excellent question. I've heard very good things about Kazaalite. We all know (or should know) by now, Kazaa is spyware (in fact, as far as I can tell, what Kazaa does to your computer is not unlike what would happen to me if I were thrown into Oswald State Penitentiary wearing lipstick and a nighty). But Kazaalite is a hacked version of Kazaa without any of the naughty bits.
At the time of this response, the main Kazaalite page was sort of down. But if you follow that link, it will send you to some mirrors where you can download the software. Oh, and remember that not only is file sharing illegal, it's also a sin. See you in Hell.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Why is it that "drive" up ATMs have brail on them? If you need brail, you shouldn't be driving right?
-Stuck in the military

Dear Stuck,
I mean, you are correct that blind people generally shouldn't drive. But there is nothing to say that you can't walk up to an ATM in a drive through lane. And not having braille would then be discrimination. Also, it is probably cheaper for the ATM manufacturers to mass produce them with the Braille then to worry about carrying around multiple models and where each one gets shipped. A better question would be "Why do they write "No pets except seeing-eye dogs" on McDonald's doors. Who's going to read that? The dog?
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
So, when you go to the movies and buy a ticket, the guy at the door rips the ticket and gives you a stub to you can re-enter. Why don't they just give you a stub to begin with?
-Confused at the Cinema

Dear Confused,
They are saving up to set the Guiness record for largest raffle. It will include every ticket ever torn. Hopefully you've been saving your stubs!
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Before I ask my question, I just wanna comment on this one:

"Dear Ask the Fish, Lat week, this was your answer: "I hate to be a prick, but could you please refrain from ending your questions in prepositions" You ended your sentence in a preposition. We here at Harvard don't end our sentences in prepositions. -Maria

Dear Maria, SAFETY SCHOOL! GO BIG RED!!! -ATF"

Okay, first of all; she's a big Harvard graduate and she can't even spell "last" ... bruhahahaaa... ahem, second of all; if that was your entire sentence [I hate to be a prick, but could you please refrain from ending your questions in prepositions], she needs to take a little refresher in grammar because the word 'prepositions' is _not_ a preposition, it's a noun (and in this case, specifically the object of the preposition); and third of all, HAHA she goes to a safety school! :D So booyea to her, I'm just a little college freshman and I'm cooler than that.

Anyway, my actual question is: Why are certain people (no names mentioned here...maria...) just so darn anal retentive? Isn't there some kinda 'head-out-of-arse' reversal process or something for these poor, unfortunate souls?
-Simoney, aka Laughing at Harvard Girl Maria

Dear Simoney,,
Smoking dope.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
About the poop thing- would a poop "iceberg" really be called an iceberg? Or is it a poopberg? Or something else?
-Collie

Dear Collie,
Something else. Poopberg is not very clever. Maybe that should be our next contest. Send in pictures of your icebergs with funny captions. Or maybe we can put the pictures on Help Me Name My. Or maybe that is enough about poop for this Ask the Fish.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
There's something taking me off .... always botherin, im 15, and i started havin sex at 14 with a good friend of mine. since then, im havin sex with him and we got not an serious relationship, and any time i try to get a boyfriend then, my friend comes to my mind and i just feel i cannot have some personal stuff (sex) with another guy but my friend. It feels so bad, because i know i dont love him, I like most the other guy and I wish I could let my fears down and got a serious relationship. But I cant stop havin sex with my friend because hes hot, and he turns me on. What can I do???
-Rose

Dear Rose,
You must stop having sex with your friend. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship, espcially if it is interfering with your ability to get close to someone else. The fact that he is hot is not an acceptable reason to continue this behaviour. It is difficult in the heat of the moment to make rational decisions. It is important that you set boundaries for yourself and make your friend very clear what those boundaries are. I know this is easier said than done, but you will be much happier.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
What's the English translation of the following?
Q: Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
A: Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
-Lizard Wizard

Dear Lizard,
Yeah right. Nice try. I'm sure I want to die laughing. (mad props to the 3 dorks out there that actually got this)
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Why are there so many stars in the sky?
-Mike

Dear Mike,
That's a hard question. Most people ask how many stars are there in the sky. But why are there that many? woof. I think I'm going to hedge on this one and assume you mean "movie stars in heaven." Given that, I'd say it is due to their addictions to opiates, coke, and booze.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
How psyched am I that I'm checky-ing right now?
-Checkying in Checky-slovakia

Dear Checkying,
Really stinking psyched!!! Other excited foreign countries that are exciting to checky in are Chechnya, Mailaysia, E-gypt, i-Ran, i-Raq, and .Comoros.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
I'd like to ask about software problem of windows Me, MsDOS is not working on my computer. I've tried everythig except reinstallig windows. Can I get a Windows ME uninstall file from somewhere online? I'd be thankful.
-gsvirdi

Dear gsvirdi,
Definitely not. Did you save your roll-back information when you installed? If so, the system should roll-back for you no problem. If not, then you can reinstall Windows, format and reinstall windows, or run Linux.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
If tomatoes are native to the New World, what did Italians put on spaghetti in the olden days?
-tony soprano

Dear tony,
First of all, I have to apologize to you, Tony. When I first read your question, I thought you were an idiot. But I did a little research after that initial reaction, and found that you were correct - the tomato originated in Central America, and didn't make it over to the old country (my old country, potentially not yours) until somewhere inside the 1500's. In fact, use of the tomato did not become a common cooking ingredient until the early 1800's!
But to answer your question, my sources say that, before the advent of the tomato in italian cooking, pasta was eaten without seasoning, or with cheese.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
why do you put unfunny jokes in your joke page? you should delete the not funny ones.
-booya

Dear booya,
All jokes go through a rigorous focus group before they are allowed onto the website. If a joke is not funny to a minimum percentage of the focus group (zero is a percent) then it is not allowed onto the website. But remeber, just because a joke isn't funny to you doesn't mean it's not funny to someone else. One man's knee-slapper is another man's something-er-ruther. you get the picture.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Today I feel off of my bike onto a patch of cactus. Despite my best efforts at scrubbing, picking, and scratching all of the little pricklies out, there are still a few left and they are drving me insane. What you think I should do.
-Hurt Left Side

Dear Hurt,
I've found that the best first aid for a brutal cactus attack like the one you suffered is revenge. Get the cactus back by hunting it down (they are easy prey to stalk) and pulling out it's needles one by one. Laugh as you do this (the psychological effect being almost as damaging as the removal of the spines). Embrace your insanity, and allow it to fuel a consuming hatred of the plant that so wronged you.
Alternatively, you can use a pair of pliers to remove any stubborn needles, and forget it ever happened. That is, if you're a wuss.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Sweetheart, does this ipod make me look fat?
-hopeless romantic

Dear hopeless,
Funny, you don't hear things like that asked very often. And no, that ipod makes you look extremely chic.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
How come my girlfriend never says "Honey, why don't we stop by Best Buy and buy you something fun to play with?"
-bitching in bloomingdales

Dear bitching,
Look. After this question and the last one, you'll be lucky if she doesn't say "Honey, why don't we stop by PetSmart and buy you something fun to play with while you spend the next 2 weeks in the dog house!"
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Why am I 22 years old and still working at a summer camp?
-Moshnik

Dear Moshnik,
I assume, Moshnik, it's because you're a good friend of Ben Stein. Buck up though - there are definitely worse jobs to have. One that comes to mind is SCUBA diver for the NYPD. While that may not sound to bad, you have to think of what your standard dive consists of - you jump into the East River with just about zero visibility, and the best case is that you find the body that you were looking for. Or dental assistant at a dentures only clinic. Or roadkill scraper for Prairie, Texas. Dealing with a bunch of screaming kids isn't the worst it gets, belive you me.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
How does one successfully destroy ex-roomates in a heated game of "Super Smash Bros. Melee"? What if they always use the annoying "Ice Climbers"? What if a Chinese take-out dinner is at stake? AND I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN RIDDLES!
-218 Delaware

Dear 218,
Trivial: "Roy's our Boy!"
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
We recently arrived home from a short vacation. Ever since we have been back, oue Betta has remained at the surface. He's not eating and very docile. He'll swim arround but never towards the bottom where he used to stay. What is wrong with him?
-Floating and can not find the bottom

Dear Floating,
What are you feeding your Betta? Perhaps he'd like a variety; my Bettas, in addition to their staple food, get the occasional treat of either brine shrimp or bloodworms (both of the freeze-dried variety). Have you seen any other visible symptoms of illness (white spots, cotton-like tufts, swollen bladder, clamped fins, etc.)? Bettas can go up to two weeks without food, but it is disconcerting nonetheless. If he is healthy otherwise, try stimulating his diet with bloodworms or brine shrimp.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
why is the earth bigger, altough the moon is farther away?
-Mr. Junk Food

Dear Mr.,
Do you walk to school, or carry your lunch?
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Dear fish, Where do you turn for advice? I need a good shrink.
-already tiny head

Dear already,
I'm afraid, tiny, that I go to myself for help. See, as it happens I'm really really forgetful. So whenever I need a question answered, I write a letter to askthefish and wait for the next update to the site. By the time I get around to answering it, I've usually forgotten that it's about me.
However, when it's something that's too big to be dealt with by a piscean columnist, I'll sometimes forward quesions to more of an avuncular figure in my life, Uncle Ezra.
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
What manner of fish are you, that can summon up fire without tinder or flint?
-Simmering in Cincinnati

Dear Simmering,
Maybe you misunderstood the point of this site. We are the ones who write the funny stuff. Not you, alright. That being said, here is the unfunny response to your funny question: I am a type of Lion Fish
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
Why is it that most people don't want to see/know the truth, even when the truth is better than what they have and will make them happier? Are they scared? Are they intimidated???
-Saddened by the Blinded

Dear Saddened,
Well, in order to answer the question, I needed to know what the truth was. So I did a web search for it. Turns out that the reason people don't want to know the truth is because it's really annoying, and has a lot to do with keeping kids from smoking cigarettes.
Or perhaps to answer the question you were actually asking: Everybody sees the truth. Well, everybody else sees it just as much as you think you do; we all see the same things. The real question is "Why do people not buy into the truth when etc etc..." Personally, I think it has something to do with being comfortable. Lots of times, people won't want to effect change in their lives because they are comforable where they are now, even if they aren't happy. I personally don't want to say if this is a good thing or a bad thing - I know exactly how nice a good ass groove in the couch can be (that's the metaphysical ass groove of a comfortable life. Being a fish, I am assless).
-ATF

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Dear Ask the Fish,
What does flat mean?
-Hsif

Dear Hsif,
Woof. Actually not a trivial question. "Flat" is one of those words that can take on a myriad of definitions, depending on the context. In our case (All Too Flat), we are referring to what is one of the more common usages: horizontally level. However, someone not interested in our special brand of humor might mistake the word to mean "lacking in animation, zest, or vigor." Someone who heard of us while listening to Ben sing might think it meant "lower than the proper pitch." Someone from the UK might even think we were referring to an apartment. My biggest problem with all of these usages is the fact that English has (approximately) 800,000 words, significantly more than any other language. You'd think that with this many options available to us, we'd keep the number of definitions per word to an acceptable level.
-ATF

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