All Too Flat : Serious : Ask The Fish

In an attempt to increase the frequency of updates to the site, we are adding yet another freaking blog. I don't know why we think this will increase the frequency of updates to site - we have at least three of the things anyway, and they are updated just about as often as Boston wins the World Series. But we try. Ask The Fish will now be done blog style, with new entries getting posted as soon as they are answered. Expect the same quality of advice that you have come to expect (from what is either a 800 lb halibut with a highly defined sense of irony, or one of four uber-geeks with nothing better to do on a Saturday night).

Got a question? Need advice? Ask the Fish! Use the Ask the Fish Form to submit a question!

New: Search the Ask the Fish archives!

Dear Ask the Fish,
How is it that it's proper to spell "discernable" with both an "a" and an "i?"
-Studying For No Discernable Reason

Dear Studying,
Because otherwise it would be either "dscernable" or "discernble" and neither of those words makes sense.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Pedro gave up 7 earned runs in 3 innings. What's up with that? Is he done?
-Big Ben

Dear Big,
Yes. He's done. If you own him in your fantasty league, you should immediately trade him for Jim Thome or Darrin Erstad.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Ok so in the "10 ways you know you've spent too much time on All Too Flat" number 4 clearly states "You rate the "Sheep with no legs" joke a five 1200 times to pad the stats" so I went to rate my joke "Zen Buddhist and the hot dog vendor" a "5" 1200 times... HOWEVER once it past 1000 the joke erased and the rating went to 1 AND the title became "The Duck Joke" the exact one above it. SO I broke your stupid joke page my question is if you guys are as good as you say you are on computers how come so stupid loser (me) could break your page? HA!
-I am the ruler of this site

Dear I,
Congratulations! You found our first Easter Egg! There are dozens of funny little quirks and happenstances hidden all throughout ATF- You just have to find them! You are the first to report one: voting 5 for any joke automatically turns it into the worst joke in the world (currently the duck joke). Good luck finding our other Easter Eggs. Here's a hint- there are funny things hidden in some of our HTML code and 12 "hidden Mickeys."
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Why did Matthew and Peter take Old Testament passages out of context to make them into prophecies, when they were never indicated to be prophetic by the Old Testament author (Acts 1:20 versus Psalm 69:25, for example)?
-honestly wondering

Dear honestly,
This questions was explicitly addressed in the Bible According to Cheese.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
hope you can help me. Two weeks ago, my best friend, "Bill," confided that he is interested in a woman who is not his wife. They haven't done anything serious yet, although he has kissed her.
My wife and I have been friends with Bill and his wife for over 10 years, and we both have young children. Bill's little indiscretion happened while his wife was in the hospital recuperating from back surgery. He went to a party where alcohol flowed freely, and he overimbibed. I told Bill to stop the nonsense immediately. I explained that his short-term fun could cause a great deal of long-term pain and would destroy his family.
Here's the problem: Several mutual friends saw the way Bill behaved at the party, and rumors have been circulating that he is having an affair. My wife has noticed how distracted I've been and wants to know what's going on. I normally do not keep secrets from my wife, but I am unsure about sharing this information. I believe I would be betraying Bill's confidence if I told her. What should I do?
-friend of bill

Dear friend,
You should tell your wife. At least you would tell her if you loved her. And we know you love her- You used to put her in your coffee!
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Where can I get a complete list of all the classic Masters of the Universe figures? What about the new re-designed ones?
-Big Fat Geek

Dear Big,
http://www.toyarchive.com/HemanFigures.html
It's quite nice, actually - Broken down into the six different action figure series from 1982 to 1987, plus the little remembered Meteorbs.
Now, you have to recognize that the list (complete with pictures!) do not include anything from the recently annouced new Masters of the Universe (MotU) cartoon, brought to you once again by Mattel.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
I'm interested in getting a pet cat. Do I need a license for it?
-Erick

Dear Erick,
Depends on the your local laws. Most likely no because cat lisences are optional in most districts. Although we at ATF strongly recommend then because a pet license identifies and protects your cat (or dog) in case they get lost. But be sure to check with your local ASPCA to get the laws in your area.
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Are you gonna delete the lines that say "WHERE'S MANFRED MANN'S EARTH BAND?" on the "Help Me Name My..." pages? I mean, it's a valid question. But you answered it on March 31, 2002. Don't you think that the ass-wipe who wrote that on every "Name Me" page is a complete shit-for-brains?
-Seven of Twelve

Dear Seven,
What, we censor?
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
So, I've got this problem, and I'm actually kind of concerned about it. I remember, not too long ago, when the very idea of watching sports on television would send me into a state of boredom so severe that I would actually start twitching; I would actually have preferred to watch 7th Heaven, or any show on Fox Family. But ever since my last year at school, I find myself looking for basketball games when I come home from work: What in gods name is wrong with me? Sports suck! They're SO boring. But I'm third in my fantasy basketball league! Please help me understand myself.
-Basketbored

Dear Basketbored,
Too much sports on the boob tube? Sounds to us like you could use a hobby. Do you have any hobbies? When's the last time you added significant content to All Too Flat?
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
On the "Help Me Name My Baby" page, how can you tell that the ultrasound image is of a girl?
-Just Curious

Dear Just,

Our little girl Some little boy with an erect penis

-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Dear Ask the Fish,
Do you know the name of a good lawyer? You see, there's this website I go to that decided to play an April Fool's joke on its visitors by claiming to be permanently shut down. I was so stunned by this prank that I spilled piping hot egg nog on my bathing suit area. Any advice you can give me about legal representation would be appreciated.
-Fooled in Fresno

Dear Fooled,
Fooled you! Ha! But seriously, you asked an interesting question. We know firsthand that the law offices of Fish & Neave and White & Case are quite reputable. Unfortunately, they don't specialize in the type of lawsuit you are after. So we took the next obvious step- go to Google and do a search for good lawyer. The first two links and the link on the left all looked helpful, promising such services as "Get Legal Informatiom," "Search our database of 440,000 lawyers" and "Find a Lawyer." These top three links all appeared in Google's Ad Word's Cost-Per-Click service. We then realized that Google is in the middle of a huge lawsuit brought by Overture for patent infringement on the Ad Words technology. A little ironic that Google Ad Words is where we turn for our legal advice, don't you think?
It's also ironic that you are listening to us for law advice because we have a sneaking suspicioun we are the site you want to sue. That explains the shitty advice. Good luck!
-ATF

06 Oct 2002

Got a question? Need advice? Ask the Fish!