Ask the Fish
Alt Text Flat - 2004

I love the smell of halibut in the morning On the web, your clean place, reasonably priced.
The fish was dead... wrapped in plastic
Alltooflat: A broken traffic light at the intersection of Sparkwood and 21
Alltooflat: The illiterate members of the Bookhouse Boys - where pies go when they die
Well... Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little fish eat Wegmans subs
Diane, I'm holding in my hand a box of small chocolate halibut. This concludes 'Twin Peaks Quotes Week... well sorta' here at alltooflat
ATF: That uncomfortable feeling you get when you are wondering if anybody heard that
Fire poop with me
Here *I* am! Rock *me* like a hurricane!
You've got to fight! For your right! To parody! - proving that the ultimate goal of funny is to have no funny - the finger distracting your view from the heavenly glory
LISTEN TO GREEN DAY. Seriously, they're good.
My mother never told me there were days like this. Seriously. Never even mentioned it. Total fucking idyll, she made it out to be.
My style? You can call it the art of being funny, without being funny.
Once you go flat, you never go back.
I don't know... something seems fishy around here... - your grossly deformed big toe
You know, I haven't looked at the pictures posted in 'Help Me Name My...' recently. I'm a little concerned about what I'll find.
Heute die Fear Factor, Morgans dans Running Man!
Was yesterday's alttext a little too edgy? I never know how far to go with the mid-nineties jokes
How soon is too soon to ask a girl if you can tie her to your bedpost? A few weeks? 8th date? What?
To you I'm just another pretty face, fish lips and all. courtesy of my friend Lindsay
I've ceased to see other people as people. Rather I just see them as potential CD lending libraries.
You know why Missy Elliot is cool? Who else can insert the phrase 'ficky ficky' into a song and have it sound so very dope?
A: Because they are a polychromatic vision of pure grandeur, capable of inspiring not only belief in the fantastic, but hope and happiness. Now stop being such a dillhole with the questions.
in one ear and out your mother
How hot was Simone from 'Head of the Class'?
Holy crip he's a crapple
Sure I feel bad about it, but I *still* think is a really funny site
Listening now, with the experience and maturity that our travels through life bring us, I feel like I can say with some strong certainty that Bratmobile is a crappy band. - as referenced by law students worldwide!
Did you know the dachsund is the most digraphic dog in the WKC? Me neither
Alltooflat - proving that, even if there is no such thing as a dumb question, there definitely exists some stupid freaking answers. Since 2001.
Why aren't /dev/null jokes funny to anyone of my girlfriends? They are SO FUNNY!
We like to potty
I don't know.... something about this site seems fishy.
Do you think your Pu-Tang sword can defeat me?
If I have the same things in my cupboards as does someone else, does that provide evidence of a kitchen sync? - applying an icepick to your funnybone since 2001
Metaphysically, we're off like a rocket.
Quote from a quant guy on my floor: 'We assume that, since most traders on the floor are ex-frat guys, we can successfully model their behavior and resultant effect on bid/ask prices with a simple two neuron model.'
That whole 'always room for Jell-o' thing? Total bullshit.
Call it odd, but I really think the funniest part of ATF is the bit of 'Help Me Name My' where we replace a single word of a band with the phrase 'Rabbitwithaplasticbrontosaurusonitshead.' Especially the 'Rabbitwithaplasticbrontosaurusonitshead's Atomic Dustbin.' That cracks me up.
Sentator Kerry is a Heinz! YUUUUUUUUP! (Sorry loyal ATF'ers - this one goes out to only a select few).
If I've learned nothing else from watching Showtime At The Apollo, it's that I'm definitely not man enough to make love to Erika Badu. Not man enough by far.
Nice fins... wanna spawn?
Wanna come back to my place and play 'Finding Nemo'?
If I said you had slimy scales, would you hold them against me?
Hi - I'm from the FBI: The Fish Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
Pardon me, I'm new in town. Do you think I could have directions to your coral?
Girl, you've got to be tired, because you've been swimming through my head all night.
Ask your doctor if is right for you.
I fought and won
Coming soon: The long anticipated ATF update - ATF Sells Out To The Man!
Has anyone noticed that a lot of work has been done in the tech field to make our devices look just like the artists renderings made for Star Trek? That's exactly what you people get for letting people like me dominate the field.
Yes, actually, we *do* think we're so funny.
No, in fact, I do *not* want to kiss your ass. Oh, maybe a little.
We don't need no education! We don't need no bladder control!
We get emails sometimes that tell us that regular ATF updates are the only thing that keep people getting through the day. Sorry we dropped the ball on that one.
Did you know Humpty Hump was still doing shows? He doesn't wear the nose anymore, but you can totally tell it's him by looking at the teeth.
'The only thing we have to fear is fish itself.' - Franklin D. Roosevelt
'We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all fish are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of consumer electronics.' - Abraham Lincoln
'By virtue of the power and for the purpose aforesaid, I do order and declare that all fish held in tanks within said designated States and parts of States are, and henceforward shall be, flat.' - Abraham Lincoln
'One flat fish with courage is a majority' - Thomas Jefferson
'The only fish is makes no mistake, is the fish who has no webpage.' - Teddy Roosevelt
'America is best described by one word, Alltooflat.' - Dwight D. Eisenhower
'And so my fellow Alltooflatians, ask not what this webpage can do for you; ask what you can do for this webpage.' - John F. Kennedy This concludes 'Great Presidential Quotes Week' here at alltooflat
I never realized before that 'Europe' is the only continent that doesn't start with an 'A.' That's a little weird.
I'm going to say this because I don't think anyone actually reads this thing. I totally have a crush on that girl from the subway. - Tempted by the fruit of your mother.
Back in high school, me and my friends used to sing Pearl Jam's 'Evenflow,' but use the word 'Edensoy' instead. We thought that was so funny. Now I drink the stuff instead of milk. I'm such an asshole. It's like one of those Google boxes, but for your mind. Except far less efficient, and with a cleaner interface.
I just wanted to apologize for yesterdays alttext. It was neither funny, nor offensive, and so has no place on this website. Please accept this rubber chicken and a stern 'fuck you' as some sort of recompense.
If you can't convince them with cogent arguments, baffle them with inscrutable humor.
The meek may inherit the earth, but the geeks shall inherit Middle-Earth. So many more elven chicks there! Trying not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot.
Say what you will about his desire for galactic domination, I think Zorak is quite a nice fellow, once you get to know him.
I while ago, I put in an alttext asking how early was too early to request to tie a girl up. I found out.
root - is there anything it can't do?
Bush quote "I am the ultimate decision maker of this country."
So how long before they come out with a quintuple espresso?
AllTooFrat -- now featuring Greeks Gone Wild!
Shouldn't you be doing something productive?
Hey, stop poking me!
alltooflat - all fat tool - oaf tall lot - fall at tool
Do yourself a favor, buy an ATF poster.
If you rub me the right way, I'll give you three wishes.
Oy, my tail is getting tired.
why do i have to add 10 alt texts?
just because kennyb says i have to? this is bush league psychout stuff
this is my third alt-texts of this ridiculous mandate
Don't you listen to the president? We're going to mop the floor with the whole fuckin' world. The whole world's gonna be under our control.
i think yesterday's alt-text bears repeating. tune in tomorrow.
Don't you listen to the president? We're going to mop the floor with the whole fuckin' world. The whole world's gonna be under our control.
"What I was thinking was a tri-umber-thing. Like Caesar." - Tony Soprano Trying vainly to not look down your dress We brought ourselves and the barrel, did you bring the gun? - too scroned too strew.
How come no one ever gave me a Hello World! for dealing with girls? Doing our best to fight global warming by leaving open the door to the fridge.
Show me your gills!
It's a slimy, slimy, slimy, slimy, slimy fish.
Who knows? Not me. We never lost control. You're face to fin with the fish who sold the world.
Band of the century? They Might Be Giants.
Don't call me at work again, oh no. The boss still hates me. I'm just tired, and I don't love you anymore, and there's a restaurant that we should check out where the other nightmare people like to go. I mean, night people. Baby, wait - I didn't mean to say nightmare.
Honestly, I can't believe this hasn't been an alttext yet: Got Flat? The hanging flesh from an unfortunately pizza-eating incident
I can't believe I dropped the ball on the alttext. How hard is this to do? Not very
I have one job, and it's to write one sentence a day, and I can't get that done? Such a disaster.
On the upside, at least no one reads these things.
Is having an 18th birthday party for Mary Kate and Ashley funy or creepy? What if I call it 'Mary-Kate and Ashley's Barely Legal Bar-B-Q' ? How about then? Positive reinforcement, Abu Gharaib style.
Alltooflat: Bigger, Faster, Stronger,...Flatter?
Alltooflat: Sometimes flattery *will* get you somewhere.
The Flat-tastic Four: Hoist, Tiggy, KennyB, and Eric.
Alltooflat: We put the flat back into flatulent.
F.L.A.T. - Fear and loathing albacore tuna
Flaternity - a brotherhood of fish
Alltooflat: if we were an EKG, you'd be dead by now.
Alltooflat: making Kansas look like the Himalayas
Alltooflat: UK's leading source for rentals!
Alltooflat: Proud sponsers of the 2004 Steamroller Olympics
Nietzsche said 'What does not kill me only serves to make me stronger.' My version is 'What does not kill me only serves to make me sleep until 3:30 the next afternoon. - salt for your auto-cannibalism - Wishing with all our might that we were even half as prolific as Rob Cockerham. - the swift blow to your head that takes your mind off the sharp pain in your heart.
huh, huhuh. His name is 'Cockerham.' huh huh.
READ DAY BY DAY (the online comic, not the little-known Jesus Christ Superstar novella) - Magnetic North for the Infidel West
I had like, five or six Bloomberg-specific jokes to make here, but for the two people that would get them, it's just not worth it. For the two people that would get it, it's just not worth it. - That funny smell coming from your bellybutton
About the belly button thing from yesterdays alttext - am I the only one who has that problem?
'Oh Johnny! You know I love you, but I just can't leave Alltooflat!'
Fish for sale! Fresh fish right here! Get your halibut!
Is it a bad sign when the doughnut maker that your family frequents has given him so much money that he actually refuses to take any more from you? My tummy hurts.
LISTEN TO YOUR HEART. Wait, I meant LISTEN TO HEART. Providing feck to the feckless for nigh on 3 years now. A irregular expression for a regular world
'The foils and spoils' are, evidentally, the wrapper and used (ahem) prophylactic left over from your 4 minutes of passion. I learned that from Achewood.
Should I change my name to Eric A. Fish?
'My comments in the past notwithstanding' is perhaps the funniest phrase ever uttered by a fish.
'ERROR! ATF_DB_FATAL_ERROR ENCOUNTERED! EVERYTHING IS TOTALLY FUX0R3D!' is an actual error message in some of the ATF code. Ain't programming grand?
All I ever want to write in these things is 'LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!' I think that was the funniest alttext ever.
Alltooflat: The playback glitch in the Ashlee Simpson performance that is life
All I ever want to write in these things are band names with the phrase 'rabbitwithaplasticbrontosaurusonitshead.' That's the funniest thing on alltooflat. - inadvertently providing hardcore pornography to youngsters since 2001
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: READ ACHEWOOD!
Is it weird that I'm psyched to be living vicariously through a friend of mine who gets knives thrown towards her for a living? Or is that cool? What about the electric chair thing she does?
Do you think superheros get itchy under all that stretchy fabric? 'Cuz I'm itchy just looking at them.
One of the problems of having multiple ATF members as programmers in the same company is the fact that there are constanct collisions with multiple functions called 'huge()'
Go on - send me an email and tell me the site hasn't been updated in a while. Because, you know, I figured some other bunch of jackasses were picking up the slack. Seriously. I totally thought that.
Sunlight makes me paranoid
I know there are 'policy wonks.' Are there other types of wonks? Can I be a science fiction wonk? If only there was a place I could go to find the meaning of a word.
READ THE ENCYCLOPEDIA - now 50% flatter! - now with 3 times as many females involved! - now involved with significantly fewer females!
You know, if they keep making new iPods, I'm just going to keep buying them. That's not good for anyone.
Steve Jobs - will you marry me?
Does anyone else think it's significant that the root of marry is 'mar'? - the contents of the forgotten tupperware in the back of your fridge. - doing our daily best to lower the level of national political discourse, asshole. - playing the centuries-old Buddha statue to your Taliban. I don't even know what that means.
That thing you're thinking? Best left unsaid.
Damn it! I let the alttext runs by again, and now I'm using good material to fill in the band end stuff. Watch Futurama, anyway. - the original, uncompromised version. - the derivative, compromised version. - here we come (and we're looking hungry!)
The funny thing about the halibut is that, by any reasonable estimation, it's a serious fucking fish. - incapable of serious estimation - no, I don't think we can talk seriously about this. This, or anything. - I think we've been seeing too much of each other.
Because rainbows are a rare and beautiful manifestation of all the earths beauty, you stupid bitch.
An apple a day keeps the rickets away (or so they'll have you believe).
Go on - read the entire Ask The Fish archive. If your boss asks what you're doing, tell him he's a pointy headed moron and you quit. Then kick him in the nads. He'll understand.
I hope yesterdays alttext about kicking your boss in the nads didn't come off as sexist. If your boss is a chick, feel free to punch her in the rack.
Is it weird that I totally check out mannequins when I pass by certain shop windows? Not all of them, mind you. But that chick at the Diesel store on Lex is totally smuggling some raisins.
Live in Houston? Let me tell you what - 80 degrees does not a cold front make.
READ THE ACHEWOOD ARCHIVES - a chilling reminder of your past lifes crimes - Level 2 interrogation technique, approved for use in Guantanamo Bay
If the prefix con- means the opposite of prefix pro-, than why have I never known the touch of a woman? - hysterically blind to the vision of unimaginable horror since 2001!
Living la vida plano!
'It's not that homosexuality is WORSE than child molestation. It's just that is LEADS to child molestation. Here, let me order you some Chick tracts, which will clear all this up for you.'
Subvert the dominant paradigm! Or something! - the bumper for your 'Subvert the Dominant Paradigm' sticker since 2001 - casuing uncomfortable silences at every party we attend since.... well

Good thing I checked the queue - we were just about to fun out of these things. And then what would you ignore? - A fish of constant sorrow - so very tired.
Is it just me, or is everyone just waiting patiently for the time when Martha has to shiv someone in prison to protect her finely decorated turf. - judiciously withholding our commentary on the military records of competing websites since 2001.
Laugh tracks for nearly all sitcoms were recorded years ago. When you watch America's Funniest Home Videos, you are listening to the laughter of the dead. Apropos, non?
Is there a market for pre-packaged food products named 'Soylent '? I would totally eat Soylent Soy.
Look - we're not complete bumbling idiots, we're just differently incapable.
You ever leave your computer, and when you came back, have had something crash? I have no idea what that's about.
LISTEN TO A3 - am I belaboring the obvious here?
Did you know the word 'moot' has an opposite meaning in British English than it does in American English? Weird, no?
It's not just that I have a favorite unix command. It's that it feel SO strongly about, I've started fights. xargs, by the way.
Little tip for work behavior: Asking a collegue to scratch your back tends to result in an odd look. Just rub up against your chair. You still get looks, but they aren't quite as high intensity.
The boys of Alltooflat - Evil minds that plot destruction
The Florida hurricanes are a Republican plot to funnel money to that area befor ethe November election! NO BLOOD FOR WIND!
---core dump--- can't fix get_atf_programmer: no debugging info.
Hey - you're not reading any other websites, are you? Because I'd consider that a betrayal.
Not only is it lonely at the top of Olympus, but it's also cold. Caeser never mentioned that. Through this fact, I conclude that he was a swarthy individual, much suited to Olympian heights. Hairy dudes rule! - the wrong website, at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons. - perhaps the best argument for retroactive abortion available. - I assume you, we do not blog in our pajamas. We don't wear pants of any kind!
Any ideas for ATF superheroes? Write quick, we only have a few days until the RPS tourney this year.
The P we do immediately. The NP will take a while. - existance proof of the whole 'garbage in, garbage out' thing.
Maybe the reason there exists any concern any concern at all about the frequency with which I score is hidden in the fact that I discussed the problem with my friends using terms from information theory. You think?
How come this webpage doesn't show up anywhere on my resume? That's a damned shame.
This website is protected with secure RFID technology. It's sewn into the XML.
Oh yeah - you like that? You like that, don't you? Fishy. Awwwww, yeah.
Yo - what's up with you not having us on your last album, Nelly? That's shit - you better watch you back on the New York streets, is all I'm saying.
Was it that Sheena had bit tits, and Ursula was a punk rocker? I can never keep that straight.
LEASE A BLOOMBERG TERMINAL. Seriously - I need some profitability here!
'I am not a schnook!' - The lesser of two websites. Any two, really. - phantoms of our own opera. - figments of our own imaginations - what a bunch of pretentious douchebags. - God damn I wish I wasn't part of this no-ring circus. - we, like Kool Keith Thorton, don't have a really big ass.
ATFPRS: Overtaking Ukranians in Google rankings since last Tuesday
I just told someone I was taking a class in 'Stochiastic analysis of NOVA-class foreign exchange arbitrage systems.' I was lying, but I realized I may have gotten the same response had I told the truth: Object Oriented Analysis and Design and UML - Moral cretins and self-important poseurs.
I'm reminded of the time when my best friend, when stopped by private security and asked if he was carrying a lighter because he smoked, responded: 'Cigarettes?' He then proceeded to have his drug paraphenalia taken. - doing everything we can to lower the tesla rating on your babe magnet. - idiocy written on the run. - a curious statistical anomaly - as mad as an eel.
READ 'THINGS MY GIRLFRIEND AND I HAVE ARGUED ABOUT': - honestly, more by accident than design.

I called a bunch of pretentious douchebags in the alttext a few weeks ago, and totally got called on it by one of the other guys. I'm not sure if I was psyched about that or not. - for a day, at least, the #1 Google hit for 'pretentious douchebags.'
You know, these alttexts wouldn't be so offensive and/or unfunny if I got any support. Also, how passive aggressive is THIS one. Fuck you anyway!
Quote from a NY Press article: When asked to show me their skills, Stein and Bromberg became stoic. A hush fell over the room and it was clear that these two friends are also RPS gladiators.
From a recent blog entry: 'An actual zombie passing through his sphere of awareness would stick out like a fully decked out drag queen at a ladies steam bath.' I think that's a good bit.
Always bet on flat!
Flat by popular demand
Say it loud: I'm flat and I'm proud!
Fear of a flat planet
Out of the blue and into the flat
It's like the pot calling the kettle flat
Flat is back
Curved is the new flat
Once you go flat you never go back
Stay flat
Too flat, too strong
Flat Entertainment Television
Yes, flat as the ace of spades they were
Oh, the pictures have all been washed in flat, tattooed everything
flat is flat, I want my baby back
I'd love to wear a rainbow every day and tell the world everything's okay, but I'll try to carry of a little darkness on my back--till things are brighter, I'm the Man in Flat
Here come the Men in Flat, galaxy defenders
It's a flat thing
as you slip slip slip into that little flat dress
none more flat
The Flat Album
Fade to Flat
Fire, to begin whipping dance of the dead, flattened is the end
Bigger and Flatter
Flat Elvis
Flat Caesar
Flat Moses
Flat Lightning
Flat Panther
Flat Manta
Flat Vulcan
The Flat Hand
Flat Mask
Flat Velveteen
The Flat Heart Procession
Godspeed You Flat Emperor!
Flat Flag
Flat Box
Big Flat
Pitch Flat
Flat Sabbath
Flat Rebel Motorcycle Club
The Flat Knight always triumphs! Have at you!
Flat Power
Flat Widow
Flat Widow
Flat Magic Woman
There's a possibility, and I'm just braininstorming here so bear with me, that TMBG's Twisting is the best pop rock song ever written. Please discuss amongst yourselves on IM, or whatever the Hell you kids use these days. Flacheit Durch Technik
One thing I've learned is that you shouldn't fart on your special lady friend's foot. Like, ever.
You know, I think I'd forgotten how much fun it is to write these things.
It's just like riding a bicycle.
A frivolous, time-wasting, fish-themed bicycle.
Alltooflat: The Febreze for your brain's already-worn laundry.
Flatter than a black steer's tuches on a moonless prairie night.
Alltooflat: If the Internet were ABC's hit drama 'Lost,' we'd like to think we'd be Evangeline Lilly, but realistically we're the heavy-set nerdy guy.
And the flat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
The Flattle of Nevermore
I'm sorry, the Flattle of Evermore. Not Nevermore. I'm a really bad Zeppelin fan.
Flat Hole Sun
Flat to the bone my home is your home--but welcome to the Terrordome
Alltooflat: The Mary Sue in your Niels Bohr fanfic.
Because I'm flat, I'm flat, sham on
Flatter than the sun
Alltooflat: Smiting the infidel since 2001
Alltooflat: One handlebar moustache away from a barbershop quartet--of FUNNY! - nasty, brutish, and (with the exception of Ben) short.
When there's no more room in Hell, the flat will walk the earth
Mother, uh--what is the phrase? She isn't quite too flat today.
I ate his liver with some fava beans and a flat chianti.
All work and no play makes Jack a flat boy.
Go away! The sow is flat!
The power of Flat compels you!
I never drink...flat.
Even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers at night may become too flat when the wolfsbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.
Mother! Oh God, Mother! Flat! Flat!
I gave you back the flat, Heather.
They're flaaaaat....
Look what your brother did to the flat!
They're coming to flat you, Barbara...
Gimme the flat. Wendy, gimme the flat.
Before you die, you see the flat
Look upon me! I'll show you the life of the flat!
Through the darkness of future past the magician longs to see; One chants out between two wolrds: "Fire, Flat with Me"
He said, 'I can smell your flat.'
I'd flat me. I'd flat me so hard.
It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets too flat again.
'Infected with what?' 'To cure, you must first understand--' 'Infected with WHAT?' '...Flat.'
'I'll swallow your flat...I'll swallow your flat...'
primitive flatheads
We've flat before, haven't we?
Come and flat with us, Danny. Come and flat with us. Forever, and ever, and ever.
I was flat, alright.
The flatness! The flatness!
You have an appointment with the Flatter Man
We have eternity to know your flat.
We have such flats to show you...
We'll tear your flat apart.
Flat's your pleasure, sir?
Berserkers. Mad bastards--they'll tear off your head and flat down your neck!
It was beauty killed the flat.
Have you got any plans, Jim? Do you want us to find a cure and save the world or just fall in love and flat?
Normally I don't go in for references to National Socialism, but. . . 'Ein volk, Ayn Rand, Ein Fuhrer!'
Alltooflat: A playback malfunction in the Ashlee Simpson performance that is life
Quite honestly, we're beginning to question your committment to SparkleMotion.
His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson.
Flat it up, Pigface! Flat it up, Pigface! Flat it up, Pigface! Flat it up! - outside good and evil. And, unfortunately, funny.
The reaches opened before us and closed behind, as the forest had stepped leisurely across the water to bar the way for our return. We penetrated deeper and deeper into the heart of flatness.

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