Alt Text Flat - 2003
Help! I'm being held captive by the alltooflat team and forced to do their html coding!
Coming soon to Disney World's new SteinbeckLand: Mr. Joad's Wild Ride
Visualize World Pee
Visualize World Poop
Daily Snooze. This concludes Words and phrases used by the New York Post Week here at Alltooflat.com. (Letterman did a top ten list like this one time.)
Awright, here's one more: slayfest
Our favorite character on 'Barney Miller'? Fish.
Dinky Hocker Shoots Smack!
Are you there, God? It's me, Alltooflat.com
Alltooflat.com: Even our 404 not found page is funny! Well, amusing, at least.
Alltooflat.com: Three sheets & a mattress pad to the wind
Alltooflat.com: Alt-textual healing
I got yer Manfred Mann's Earth Band *right here*
What if C-A-T really spelled 'fish'?
In case you were wondering, Pepsi Blue tastes a little...weird.
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Alltooflat.com is a blow-up doll that expands at the touch of a button, runs on methane and is laced with vodka
If you don't like alltooflat.com, it's because we're to intellectual for you.
Alltooflat.com: The modern day answer to a swift blow to the head
Alltooflat: It's sacrelicious!
You booze you snooze.
FISHIE SAY RELAX
Hulk angry! When Hulk angry, Hulk FISH!!!
With great flatness comes great responsibility.
We're the best there is at what fish do, but what fish do isn't very nice. SNIKT!
What time is it? Your ever-lovin' fish-eyed Thing knows! IT'S BLUBBERIN' TIME!
Lo, there shall come...A FISHING!
Enter: THE HALIBUT
And I will show them...that a man without hope is a man without fish...This concludes Marvel Comics-Derived Alt Text Week here at AllTooFlat.com.
It's just a jump to the left...
Updates! Damn it, why won't you guys do some updates?!
AllTooFlat.com: THE UNITED COLORS OF BENKENTON
Smells like alt text
WE REMEMBER ANDREW RIDGELEY
little in the middle but she all too flat
LISTEN TO FISCHERSPOONER
ATF: The best thing to happen to the internet since binary
AllTooFlat.com: It's like a low-impact Cockeyed
WAR IS PEACE FREEDOM IS SLAVERY IGNORANCE IS FISH
Suckin' on my fishies like you wantin' me callin' me all the time like Blondie check out my Chrissie Behind it's flat all of the time like sex for the helluvit who else is in the habit of halibut? huh? what?
Anyone who recognized yesterday's paraphrased quote email email@example.com for a special prize
Is it worth it, let me work it, I put my fish down flip it and reverse it
alltooflat.com: your anal retentive nine inch nails completist headquarters
Big Mouth Burns, empty barrels make the most noise!
AllTooFlat.com: Ripped from the headlines!
I was kinda happy the Giants blew it, to be honest.
Okay, I'm looking at the cover of Bazaar, and Kate Winslet looks like Alicia Silverstone. That's kinda weird.
Alltooflat.com: First against the wall when the revolution comes
when all of your fishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed
Alltooflat.com - the hole in the pocket of your life
The real question is: Who googles 'mirror site' when they could elgoog 'etis rorrim'?
LISTEN TO MISS KITTIN
Alltooflat.com - Rocking the house like it was a quarry since aught-two
Help Wanted: Inquire Within (Albacore need not apply)
ATF makes all the lesbians scream
Do you want to feel fish?
I stink when I'm dry - 'cuz I'm a fishy. I'm a fishy, and I'm naked almost all the time
I knew Big Mouth Billy Bass, and you, sir, are no Big Mouth Billy Bass.
Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of alltooflat
Lisa, don't encourage your alltooflat
Who do you think's in the alltooflats?
D'Iiiiiiiiiiii heard alltooflat!
That's one sneaky alltooflat!
Now siddown and shuddalltooflat!
This is just the introduction to the alltooflats
Where does the alltooflat find them and why do they keep sending them to me?
This concludes 'You Can't Do Alltooflat On Television' Week here at AllTooFlat.com
Life ain't nothin' but fishes and money.
Alltooflat - The internets answer to The Gong Show (but with less coke)
okay, when i say 'here' you say 'hey look, the comedian's a fish'.
I am a fish of constant sorrow
Alltooflat - Drunk in heaven
Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the fish?
Who's the fish that would risk his neck for his brother fish?
Who's the fish that won't cop out, when there's danger all about?
I'm a complicated fish, but no one understands me but my woman. This concludes Shaft half-week here at Alltooflat
fuck 'em if they can't take a hegemon
Take advantage of these uncertain times by discovering the true depths of your natural inherent loathing of the French
AllTooFlat.com: Hated and feared by a world we have sworn to protect
LISTEN TO JOHNNY CASH
AllTooFlat: We've got a fish to scratch, we need assistance
Faster, Alltooflat! Gills! Gills!
Alltooflat supports Peter Jackson. We're not sure about his director's chair.
Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say
Wendy? Yes, Lisa? Is the water warm enough? Yes, Lisa. Shall we begin fishing? Yes, Lisa.
Anyone who recognized the reference in yesterday's AltTextFun gets a prize. Contact firstname.lastname@example.org
Flies are women are most vulnerable
You know you've made it when when you want to make a phone call, you have someone else actually do the calling and sit on the phone until he reaches the person you want to talk to and then he gives you the phone. That's when you know you've made it.
Aalltoogorn, Legoflat and Gimfish
WATCH 'CEMETARY MAN'
Try the gray stuff, it's delicious, don't believe me, ask the fishes
AltTextFun would like to apologize for yesterday's AltTextFun
I don't have a stock portfolio. I think that makes me a bad person.
I don't know about you, but I'm really enjoying the Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes
So remember when I asked all of you, 'Rachel, Monica or Phoebe?' The answer was Phoebe, as you recall. But now that you've had some time to think about it, I was *totally* right, wasn't I? Huh?
FUCK STALINIST 'PACIFISTS'
I need to lose a few pounds
Alltooflat: Fishie Goes to Hollywood. Well, Ithaca.
Relax (Don't Do Fish)
I don't know about Raymond, but I'm pretty fond of Patricia Heaton
And you know what else? Karen is much hotter than Grace. Yeah, I said it.
When OutKast came out against war in Iraq, they were really shooting back-catalog sales of 'Bombs over Baghdad' in the foot
Listen, I work for Abercrombie & Fitch, and even *I* think the guys behind Tatu should be shot
Vice City. That's really a helluva game there.
LISTEN TO NED'S ATOMIC DUSTBIN
I think Journey's 'Don't Stop Believin' is a really good song
What happened to that girl from 'Trainspotting,' anyway?
After writing, like, 30 of these in one sitting, I feel a lot better about myself
AltTextFun: Still much easier than writing comic books
Blondie is overrated. Overrated.
Oh what a feeling, we're fishin' on the ceiling
GOD MADE US FISHY
READ 'ACME NOVELTY LIBRARY'
Mama say mama sa ma ma-koo-sa, mama say mama sa ma ma-koo-sa
It's hard to pick the best 'Vice City' radio station, but in the end I think you have to go with the one that has the Pointer Sisters' 'Automatic'
Alltooflat.com - So clear to the ear we are sometimes seen
The guppy you love becomes the fish that you fear
Leary selling acid for the FBI might well be the coolest thing the feds have ever been involved in. Except that whole 'narc' part of it.
'That's when I remembered my nipples.'
'I really liked the part where Harry did that thing.'
'the fictition [sic] of low-fat mayonnaise'
'We Remember Memphis Bleek'
Efforts to steer the conversation back to the character of Pete Martell were unsuccessful.
'For shizzle my nizzle--traffic's bad on holidizzays.' This concludes 'Funny Lines from All Too Factual' Week at Alt Text Fun.
READ PHOEBE GLOECKNER
LISTEN TO QUEEN
Get on your bikes and ride
It's unforunate that the new Ministry and Massive Attack records were disappointing, but whaddya gonna do
Oh, Flash, I love you! But we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!
Tinnitus is to music what Alltooflat is to humor
Tinnitus colon music colon colon Alltooflat colon humor
ATF: Reblocking Baron Samedi's hats since the Revolution of 1791
AllTooFlat.com: Democracy, Whiskey, Sexy
AllTooFlat.com: ALL YOUR BASS ARE BELONG TO US (rhymes with 'ass'--it's a fish pun)
AllTooFlat.com: Roasting humor's stomach in hell
Jay Z's Unplugged record is surprisingly enjoyable
Alt Text Fun: Your Nothing-To-Do-At-Work-Right-Now Headquarters
Eff to the Izzell Ay to the Izztee
You know I'm flat, I'm flat, sham on
Cheddar provolone / Cheesy beef balogna
Slappin' my salami / Show it to my mommy
Cheddar cheesy chunky / Gettin' kinda funky
Short stack suck my sack, join the club
Greasy beefy butter / Yankin' on an udder
Grab a cheese and pepper / Tuna salad's better
Grab a spam, yeah man, join the club
All that gibberish that preceeded today's entry was 'Sean's Bizzare Variations on The Keebler Club Crackers Commercial with the Elf Elvis Week' here at Alltooflat.com. Aren't you glad I explained it?
QUIT POOPING YOUR PANTS WHEN YOU THINK NOBODY'S LOOKING
Yes yes. Not of California.
Necessary means for Necessary means for
Mr. Lebowski asked me to repeat it
We've been frantically trying to reach you Dude
and you are in a unique position to confirm or disconfirm that suspicion
the same men who uh uh soiled your rug. This concludes 'My Favorite Things That Brant From 'The Big Lebowski' Says' Week at Alltooflat.com
Gotta start writing more of these bad boys
I said it before and I'll say it again, because it bears repeating: I think 50 Cent has lovely eyes
For a while I had Monica Bellucci and Anna Falchi confused
Go ahead, don't invite me to the beach house in Provincetown--what do I care? BASTARDS
Don't cry, dry your eye
dally alley Sally Valley
This types o' shit happens every day
Ricky Ricky Ricky, can't you see? This concludes 'My Favorite Parts of 'Lodi Dodi' Week' at Alltooflat.com
Alltooflat: The creamy nougat center of a gigantic nut sandwich
I'm hung like planet pluto hard to see with the naked eye
I believe in the noble aristocratic art of doing absolutely nothing, and I hope someday I'll be in a postion where I can do even less.
so he can lie on his bed while he breathes to death
I came to America, saw 'Xanadu,' and knew exactly what I wanted to do: Roller Skate!
Soon I discovered that this 'rock' thing was true.
Jerry Lee Lewis was the Devil.
Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet.
All of a sudden I found myself in love with the world...
So that there was only one thing I could do...
...was DING-A-DING-DANG MY DANG-A-LONG-LING-LONG
Congregation, please be seated, and open your prayer guides to the Book of Revelations, Psalm 69.
We're gonna rip this motherfucker up. We're gonna tear this motherfucker down.
Get up! Get on your feet!
We are fighting for the liberation of Man! Not the liberation of these pigs and their racist society!
KILL! KILL! KILL!
I hope they realize this is their last goddamn chance!
You will not kill!
I want peace. You want peace.
I can't hear you! I STILL can't hear you!
YOU'RE LIKE A GREAT BIG HIT OF ACID WAITING TO BE TAKEN
Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know is the look in your eyes
They live without hope
Heyyyy Kevin - Yes, alltooflat
This fish intentionally left blank
Kennyb's got a cockatoo. If you know what I mean
ATF: A couple of fish short of a school
Aziz - the mystic, Cathax - the necromancer, Zoid - the Barbarian Pinhead, Cal - the warrior, Tjadir - the absurdly skilled acrobat, and Ulutek - the one that looks like a squid.
Was Casey Jones a legend in his own mine?
Alltooflat.com: One Psylocke short of an X-Men Blue Team
When Alltooflat's with you baby, it goes out of its head
I fish I was a little bit taller
AllTooFlat extremists have issued a statement in support of the Haliban regime
AllTooFlat: A gilling machine
By the prickling of my fins, something wicked this way swims
LISTEN TO BARRY WHITE
All the other girls say we're flat
AllTooFlat: One Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax" short of a really good '80s mix
At this point I prefer Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi to Caffeine Free Diet Coke. How odd.
WATCH 'BODY DOUBLE'
One fish to rule them all
Gee, you mean Harry & Voldemort are linked by destiny and will one day duel to the death? I had NO IDEA!
Is it bad if a chicken bites you?
Which one's 'Logjammin''?
Finding out there's no exposed titties in 'Tomb Raider' is like finding out there's no boob-themed ride at Dollywood.
Any story that ends in the phrase "and Olympia Dukakis was sitting RIGHT THERE!" is a good story indeed.