SALT LAKE CITY, UT - Nine months after being snatched from her home at knifepoint by an itinerant preacher with bizarre religious convictions, 15-year-old Elizabeth Smart came home to the irrationally high birth rates, vague apocalyptic teachings and warm loving hearts of her overjoyed Mormon parents.

"It's a miracle," said Elizabeth's father Ed of his daughter's return after being abducted by Brian David Mitchell, a delusional zealot who refers to himself as Emmanuel. "I'm sure Elizabeth went through a terrible ordeal, but we knew her faith in the idea that God and Jesus are physical human beings walking around in outer space somewhere and that some farmer in upstate New York learned the truth about the universe from heiroglyphics on plates made of gold revealed to him by an angel in the 19th century would see her through. We can't wait for her to get settled back into family life--a life of togetherness, prosetylzation, and tithing tons of rice into giant grain solos to be consumed just in case Armageddon comes along."

"Lord only knows what kind of nightmare she went through at the hands of that man, what with his unorthodox, cult-like belief system," added Elizabeth's mother, Lois. "But now at long last she's back in the loving bosom of a church that refused to ordain black people until after Star Wars came out and believes we'll turn into gods in a few thousand years. She'll be back to normal in no time."