NEW YORK - In a report to the UN Security Council that surprised some with its strongly condemnatory wording, chief weapons inspector Hans Blix suggested that Iraqi ruler Saddam Hussein has been hiding enormous quantities of unaccounted-for chemical and biological weapons, and that he has been playing "hide the salami" with a buxom 21-year-old palace intern.

"Even now, President Hussein has not seemed to come to grips with the importance of inspections," said Blix during his report on Monday. "He has not yet accounted for over six tons of biological material that were marked for destruction by previous inspection teams. Nor has he accounted for over six ounces of biological material found on his intern's dress." Blix went on to detail the Iraqi leader's reluctance to explain his plans for use of such materials as thiodiglycol, aluminum accelerator rods, and a slightly moistened Cohiba cigar.

When asked if the UN report meant that the international community believes that Iraq is in material breach of UNSC Resolution 1441, an Iraq spokesman responded, "It depends on what your definition of 'is' is."