WASHINGTON, DC - President George W. Bush assumed the nation's most prominent podium Tuesday night to issue a stunning array of charges and challenges to the man he billed as the single biggest threat to America's security, the dictatorial rock star known widely as Pink.

In a speech that, when recorded, was two discs long, President Bush addressed Pink's admitted attempts to acquire illegal weaponry. "In speeches to his own people, Pink has asked 'Will someone in this desert land make me feel like a real man?', freely admitting that he needed a dirty woman. We can only assume that a dirty bomb is next on the list. I say to Pink that the retalliation he would face from the United States would be severe. Pink has always remained close to his family, he says. Well, Pink, ask your mother if she thinks we'll drop the bomb." Bush closed by saying that battle could be avoided if Pink were simply to run like hell.

In his party headquarters, located in a trashed hotel room behind an enormous concrete barrier wall, Pink claimed not to have heard Bush's address. "He was only coming through in waves," the star said. "His lips moved but I couldn't hear what he was saying."