NORTH BELLMORE, NY - Averting what could have turned the East Coast's brutal two-week cold snap into a breeding ground for tragedy, a Long Island man escaped to safety from his broken-down, heatless car early Friday morning by cutting himself free with his own hardened, erect nipples.

"I was driving down Jerusalem road on the way back from a late-night run to Dn'D," said 24 year old Tom Patrick, referring to the popular bakery franchise Dunkin' Donuts. "Suddenly my car just sputtered and skidded to a halt right there on the road. The heat was gone almost immediately, the doors were frozen shut, [and] I left my cellphone in my other pants. It was really late at night, and I knew I was in trouble. That's when I remembered my nipples."

Having been stiffened to near-diamond hardness by the frigid cold, Patrick's nipples cut the glass of the driver's-side window with ease, allowing the North Bellmore resident to exit the car and return to the Dunkin' Donuts to call for help, and to have a bagel.

"The bagels are actually pretty good there," Patrick added as he fingered the twin holes in his sweater.