MADRID, SPAIN - The sinking of the oil tanker Prestige off the coast of Spain on Tuesday isn't in the least bit amusing to disgraced Exxon Valdez captain Joseph Hazlewood, according to disgraced Exxon Valdez captain Joseph Hazlewood.

"Having witnessed first-hand the effects of an oil spill on the local ecosystem, I can solemnly swear that I don't feel the least bit of schadenfreude now that some schmuck has sunk a boat containing nearly twice as much oil as mine did," said Hazlewood, who in 1989 ran the Valdez aground on a reef outside Alaska's Prince William sound, dumping 11 million gallons of crude into the water and affecting 1300 miles of coastline. "And the satisfaction I might feel if, hypothetically, this dude tied one on before snapping his boat in half, thus making me only the second most ecologically destructive drunk in human history, pales in comparison to the apprehension I feel at the possible ramifications for Spain's Galicia region. Seriously."

Hazlewood, who was fined $50,000 and sentenced to several hundred hours of community service for his role in the Valdez disaster, concluded his statement by saying he, along with several close friends and his attorney, planned on spending the evening in quiet contemplation of this new catastrophe in the Champagne Room at Scores.