NORTH BELLMORE, NY - Facing criticism that my updates to acclaimed news parody website All Too Factual have once again dwindled to nonexistence, I adopted an uncharacteristically religious tone by swearing on a stack of Bibles that I'm working on another one of these goddamn ATFact entries, I announced today.

"There are a variety of reasons why updates to this area of the AllTooFlat.com web presence have been so infrequent this year," I said. "My paid writing commitments demand much of my time and energy, as do my repeated attempts to break into the comics industry and my life as a devoted husband to my lovely wife, Amanda.

"In addition," I continued, "at a certain point you simply run out of new topics to lampoon, as well as funny things to say about the topics available to you. After three weeks of war, for example, the well of amusing moustache jokes basically runs dry. And you don't have to take my word for it--how bad has The Onion sucked since mid-March, for example?

"I promise," I added, "that I'm working on a fairly epic entry about Eminem, but there are so many freaking hyperlinks involved that it'll take me nearly an hour to write the thing. That's one less hour to do work, watch Law & Order or eat raisins.

"I hope you realize what I go through for you people," I concluded.