NEW YORK, NY - An attempt to squeeze lunch into a hectic struggle led to confusion and disillusionment Friday, as deliveryman Mike Alomar entered a McDonald's Express only to find the lines long, the tables few, and the Double Quarter Pounder nonexistant.

"I had to get crosstown for my next few drop-offs, and I knew my only option was a dirty-water hot dog on the corner," said Alomar while struggling with a packet of ketchup. "Then I looked up and saw a McDonald's, but better: a McDonald's Express. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but 'express' means 'faster,' right?"

According to Alomar, not only was the rate of service identical to, if not worse than, that of other, non-Express McDonald's, but the menu was about half the size of a normal menu, and there was no place to sit. "They're selling the place as an improvement," said the visibly disgruntled father of two, "when all it is is a shittier version of a normal McDonald's.

"Basically what they're saying to you is 'Hey, welcome to this shitty, tiny, slow, crowded McDonald's with less food. We love to see you smile!'"