FROM THE TECHNOLOGY DESK - Centuries of seemingly intractable philosophical debates, aesthetic arguments, ethnic conflicts and political struggles have come to an end in recent months, as two Marxist graduate students and fans of Twin Peaks have pooled their knowledge to solve every problem in the entire world.

Posting under the handles 'Eisensteinian' and 'G. Gordon Gano,' the two men, a semiotics graduate student and "teacher, activist [and] shit-disturber, respectively, have brought their near-omniscience to bear on virtually every topic discussed on the message board of ArmsBendBack.com, a site dedicated to discussion and admiration of the early-90's cult favorite television series co-created by David Lynch and Mark Frost.

"In many ways," ran one typical post by Eisensteinian, "the interactions of Agent Cooper and the Giant can be seen as similar to those between the Palestinian people and the Bushies--the former are given just enough hope by the latter to subsist without ever realizing they've been duped." He then went on to explain both the myriad reasons why the UN should force Israel to retreat to the borders of 1947 and why "anyone that [sic] insists on discussing the inferior second season" should be hounded into silence by his fellow boardgoers.

"Some might say that communism's catastrophic, systemic failure as a system of governance precludes its adherents from being taken seriously in the arena of debate," said Gano in a thread ostensibly devoted to discussing the performance of Jack Nance. "But obviously this simply gives us the fresh take necessary to affect change. End the racist war on 'terror'!"

Efforts to steer the conversation back to the character of Pete Martell were unsuccessful.

-----

All Too Factual would like to thank Charles Johnson for his support. Keep it greasy, LGF.

Today's column is dedicated to the memory of Jim "Danny" Treacher.