FROM THE COURT OF THE CRISCO BANDIT - None dare call it conspiracy.

In rapid succession, Cardinal Bernard Law resigns as archbishop of the Roman Catholic archdiocese of Boston, Henry Kissinger steps down as Chairman of the independent 9/11 investagatory panel, Al Gore announces that he will not seek the Democratic nomination for President in 2004, and Trent Lott is on the verge of ouster as Majority Leader in the Senate.

Is this how our once-great nation thanks its assholes?

Ever since Aaron Burr secretly plotted to enthrone himself as Emperor of Mexico, assholes have played an integral role on the American political stage. From Benedict Arnold to Jefferson Davis, from William Randolph Hearst to Joseph McCarthy, from Richard Nixon to Newt Gingrich, our country's tools, dickheads and douchebags have bequeathed us a rich legacy of treason, bigotry, puritanism, immorality and general fuckwittery. Their vibrant piss-yellow thread is a prominent part of the American tapestry.

But now that thread is threatening to come unravelled. We first saw signs of what was to come in the aftermath of the attacks of September 11th, when assholes Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson were rebuked for their stunningly offensive finger-pointing. And now we are seeing wholesale anti-assholism at its ugliest. Should not a Prince of the Church be entitled to systematically aid and abet serial child rapists and thereby fritter away the last vestiges of public goodwill toward his anachronistic medievalist religion? Is not an indicted war criminal with a rich legacy of obfuscation and prevarication, to say nothing of his complicity in the deaths of millions the world over in efforts to overthrow democracies and install neofascist puppet states, the perfect choice to investigate the deliberate murder of civilians? Can not a former Vice President adopt an insufferably strident and self-righteous tone, abandon virtually all the long-held policies and beliefs on which he previously ran for the nation's highest office, abdicate all responsibility and good sense as regards America's foreign policy while simultaneously remaining completely oblivious as to the huge reservoir of illwill he has generated among the populace, and still coast to his party's nomination based solely on filthy lucre? And is not a leader of a major political party entitled to maintain his privileged post despite his complete lack of understanding of both the damage his history of bigoted comments, votes and positions has done to his party and the reason why these comments, votes and positions are to be apologized for?

Dear readers, the answers that some might offer to these questions will shock you, for those answers are no, no, no and no.

I tremble for my country.

Fortunately, there are bright lights on the asshole horizon. John Ashcroft is still our Attorney General, so we may rest assured that his bluenosed purtianism and nascent Big Brother tendencies will remain with us for several more years. Jimmy Carter recently won the Nobel Peace Prize, so we may sleep safe knowing that a man with an atrocious record as President both at home and abroad and a failure to create lasting peace in any of the conflicts into which he has arrogantly thrust himself is regarded as an elder statesmen by luminaries the world over. And of course there are patriots like Sean Penn, willing to build a bridge between the self-righteous hairy stinky assholes of America and the murderous dripping undulating assholes of the Middle East.

Ask not what your country can do for you, dear readers: ask what you can do for your assholes.