BOSTON, MA - The beleagured Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston is readying to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, leading Bernard Cardinal Law to slash prices on everything from sepulchres to stained glass in what he is billing as a "Pederastravaganza of Bargains."

"That's right, folks!" said Law in a 30 second advertisement on local television stations, during which he referred to himself as "Crazy Bernie." "We've lost our lease--on the moral highground, that is! We've violated the law, we've violated our vows, we've violated the cavities of prepubescent boys--and now we're violating our prices so that you don't have to violate your wallets!"

In order to raise the hundreds of millions of dollars necessary to defray the archdiocese's ever-mounting legal costs incurred in lawsuits by victims of sexual assault and abuse by priests, Law said, the sale will take such drastic measures as a "buy five bottles of the Blood of Christ, get one half-off" offer. "The prices will be dropped lower than an altar boy's underpants!" Law shouted, before concluding by saying "The Boston Archdiocese Bankruptcy Blowout: It's Childmolesterrific!"