LYNBROOK, NY - Despite years of studying the climactic duel scenes in each of the Star Wars films and years of practice with friends, self-proclaimed "Jedi Knight" and cashier Chris DeWitt, 27, was unable to translate his knowledge of lightsaber fighting technique into a successful self-defense strategy during the knife fight he got into late Tuesday night.

"I went to McTavish's with [long-time friend Brian] Jaworski, because my work week is from Friday till Tuesday, and I thought I'd pound back a couple Zimas before cranking up the new Epidode 2 DVD on the old home theater," explained DeWitt from the trauma center at Mercy Hospital. "I was in the middle of detailing my theory that Darth Sidious is himself a clone when I spilled my drink all over this huge guy's lap. He wasn't happy about it."

DeWitt stated that without further provocation the gentleman "whipped out a knife that looked like it could take the ears off a Gundark and just started jabbing at me with it. I grabbed my Zima bottle and held it to my side, just like Count Dooku. 'Finally,' I thought, 'all that training I've done with the battery operated lightsaber toys--even back when I was a kid and all we had to use were wiffle ball bats--is gonna pay off.' I lifted the bottle over my head to strike--and that's pretty much when he stabbed me in the chest."

Despite the failure of his nearly two-decade long immersion in lightsaber fighting technique, DeWitt claims to have held his own for nearly a minute against his assailant, who remains at large, before succumbing to shock and blood loss. "No, I didn't ever hit the guy with the bottle," he said, "but I know the way I twirled it around confused the hell out of him."