OAK PARK, IL - A group of scientists at GloboCore Pharmaceuticals announced in a Tuesday press conference that they have unlocked the secrets of the gene they believe responsible for certain individuals' addiction to chocolate, while in Sloan Kettering's oncology ward your mother breathed her last and slipped into a coma from which she never emerged.

"Relief for the waistlines and tooth enamel of America is in sight," announced head researcher Dr. Samuel Jordan, whose full head of hair stood in stark contrast to that of your mother, who had been bald since beginning her torturously painful, mind-bogglingly expensive, and ultimately unsuccessful chemotherapy regime eleven months ago. "After seven years of intense research and hundreds of millions of dollars in expenses, we can now say, with confidence, exactly why Snickers really satisfies." Snickers, a candy bar comprised of milk chocolate, caramel, nougat and peanuts, was your mother's favorite sweet in the days when she could still hold down solid food.

"Like erectile disfunction and male pattern baldness before it, chocoholism is just one more epidemic illness that has met its match in the tools of modern science. That is why we are delighted to announce that GloboCore has restructured its finances in order to make our new prescription-only anti-chocoholism drug Chocofin its number one research and development priority," concluded Jordan before HMO-mandated spending regulations forced hospital employees to turn off your late mother's TV and escort you to the parking lot.