WASHINGTON, DC - A new audio tape aired on the Arabic language news network Al Jazeera this weekend offers solid proof that terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden did not perish in the mountainous region of Tora Bora this past December, and that rock legend Paul McCartney did perish on a secluded London sidestreet in 1967, Pentagon sources have announced.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, the sources said that voice analysis of the rambling recording indicates that it is an authentic message, recorded some time in the last two weeks, by the elusive Saudi millionaire. Moreover, if the volume is turned up really high towards the end, Bin Laden can be heard to remark "I buried Paul" at a very slow speed.

"Playing the message backwards reveals both a series of coded instructions to Al Qaeda sleeper cells and the repeated phrase 'turn me on dead man,'" said terrorism expert Paul Belsen, who concurred with the Pentagon's analysis. "But such information really should come as no surprise: In Bin Laden's last videotape he never used his left arm--the same arm on which Paul sported the "Officially Pronounced Dead" badge in the inside jacket of Sgt. Pepper. I'd be hard pressed to believe that this is mere coincidence."

Belsen said that the Bin Laden tape is the first use of "backmasking" by Islamic militants since subliminal messages in a videotaped address by Libyan strongman Moammar Ghadaffi were blamed for causing the attempted suicide of a teenage Judas Priest fan in 1986.