THE PENTAGON - In a last-ditch effort to throw President Bush's war plans, now reaching their final stages, into disarray, Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein is preparing to launch a first strike against himself, All Too Factual has learned.

Sources within the Defense Department confirm that Iraqi army units, at Saddam's behest, are secretly repositioning Scud missile batteries and WMD artillery in order to strike other Scud missile batteries and WMD artillery before the United States has a chance to act. In addition, the elite Special Republican Guard, thought to be the troops most loyal to the Ba'athist strongman, reportedly have been instructed to surround Saddam while twirling their weapons around on their fingers with the safety catches released.

In a statement released to state-run Iraqi television, Deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz challenged the United States to live up to their claims of military supremacy. "The Americans say that they will be able to defeat the great leader of Iraq. By defeating himself first, Saddam shall expose them for the liars and braggarts they are."