VALLEY STREAM, NY - With the U.S./U.K. backed resolution imposing a March 17th disarmament deadline on Iraq approaching a vote, Americans of Irish descent find themselves torn over the wisdom and morality of militarily deposing Saddam Hussein even as they share common ground over the wisdom and morality of getting totally shitfaced.

"President Bush has clearly made the case for war," said Brendan Shaughnessy, 35, a volunteer fireman, as he ordered another round at P.J. McMurphy's Tavern. "On St. Patrick's Day, the time will have come for the international community to make good on its promise to protect the people of the region against Saddam's wreckless aggression. The time will also have come for me to drink something along the lines of twenty Guinesses."

"Just as President Carter said in his weekend New York Times op-ed," argued McMurphy's bartender Jimmy Fitzpatrick, 28, "this war proposed by our so-called President is unjust. On a day dedicated to a man of God, let us walk in his saintly footsteps and say 'no' to this war. Let us also get drunk off our tits."

Both men advocated stringent security measures at New York City's St. Patrick's Day parade, if only to keep the guineas away.