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News Analysis: State of the Union? Drunk

1-31-2003 (Archived)

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK - We interrupt your regularly scheduled installment of All Too Factual to bring you this special report: a minute-by-minute breakdown of President George W. Bush's State of the Union address, by ATFact correspondent Kenneth Lance Bromberg.

Allegations that this special report is in actuality an attempt by the Crisco Bandit to shirk his writing duties for the day may be sent here.

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Rumsfield Apologizes: 5-7-2004 California Department of Transportation Braces for Letter Shortage: 10-8-2003 Man Gets Cell Phone; Vows Not To Be One of "Those Guys": 8-1-2003 Bush to Consumers: "Click Here to Unsubscribe (heh heh heh)": 6-27-2003 ATF Team to Bid on Peoplesoft: 6-20-2003 Defense Secretary Rumsfeld's Got Your Weapons of Mass Destruction Right Here: 6-2-2003 Post-Breakdown Pop Chanteuse, Bologna Enthusiast Latest Targets of Eminem's Scorching Satire: 5-27-2003 I Swear To God I'm Working on Another One of These News Parodies: 5-18-2003 UN Having Difficulty Finding Ways to Embarrass Itself: 5-6-2003 Disinformation.com Outgrown: 5-5-2003 Revolting Iraqis Make Man Really Appreciate Sid Meier's Civilization: 5-1-2003 Guy Washes Face Every Time He Uses Men's Room: 4-30-2003 Chirac Saddam: 4-28-2003 Canada Befuddled By Effective UN Organization: 4-24-2003 Jerry Bruckheimer Can't Help but Make Kick-Ass Musical Montages out of War Footage: 4-2-2003 Arnett Firing Tarnishes Otherwise Spotless Record of Journalistic Excellence: 3-31-2003 7th Grader Insists That Boyfriend Call It a "Freedom Kiss": 3-28-2003 Pro-Democracy, Pro-Peace Marchers Plan to Democratically, Peacefully Grind Manhattan to a Chaos-Filled Standstill : 3-26-2003 Michael Moore Like That Pretty Much All the Time: 3-25-2003 FRANCE SURRENDERS: 3-20-2003 Disconsolate Chirac Sulks in Left Bank Cafe, in Remembrance of Dictators Past: 3-18-2003 Leaders Spend Azores Summit Reenacting Scenes from Fawlty Towers: 3-17-2003 Saddam May Launch Preemptive Strike at Self: 3-14-2003 Eilzabeth Smart Rescued from Religious Fanatic, Returned Safely to Devout Mormon Family: 3-13-2003 Dr. Doom, Magneto Urge Patience in Standoff Between United States, Galactus: 3-12-2003 Back of Missy Elliott's Jacket Running Out of Room for Airbrushed Portraits of Slain Rappers: 3-11-2003 Irish-American Community Divided On St. Pat's Day Iraq Deadline, United On Drinking Heavily: 3-10-2003 Authorities: Foo Fighters Concert Was Target for Foiled Courtney Love Plane Hijacking: 2-4-2003 News Analysis: State of the Union? Drunk: 1-31-2003 Someone Somewhere Is Sitting Around Thinking Pocketful of Kryptonite Was a Damn Good Album: 1-30-2003 Bush in State of the Union Speech: "Mr. Floyd, Tear Down This Wall": 1-29-2003 The Blix Report: Saddam Concealing Weapons of Mass Destruction, Relationship with Intern: 1-28-2003 Gaudy, Frivolous Sporting Event Makes Gaudy, Frivolous Commercials Look Deeply Meaningful by Comparison: 1-27-2003 Man Frees Self from Frozen Car with Own Nipples: 1-24-2003 Germany, France Sign 'Unprecedented' Jew-Hating Madman Support Accords: 1-23-2003 Libya to Head UN Human Rights Commission; "No, Seriously" Say Diplomats: 1-22-2003 Former UN Weapons Inspector Calls for Rigorous Search of Underage Girl's Pants: 1-21-2003 UN Security Council to Impose Sanctions on Makers of Kangaroo Jack: 1-20-2003 "McDonald's Express" Just a Regular McDonald's with Less Food and Fewer Seats: 1-10-2003 All of World's Problems Solved by Couple of Marxists on Twin Peaks Message Board: 1-9-2003 Poison Discovered in Britain; Lead Singer Brett Michaels Still at Large: 1-8-2003 Tipster to FBI: "Psych!": 1-7-2003 Diet Put Off Until After Invasion of Iraq: 1-6-2003 Aragorn Son of Arathorn Announces Formation of Kingship Exploratory Committee: 12-19-2002 "Beyond Bad Aim": Unidentified Urinator Soils Men's Room Floor Yet Again: 12-17-2002 Editorial: Now More Than Ever, We Need Assholes: 12-15-2002 Study: Writing News Parodies Not as Much Fun as Playing Grand Theft Auto: 12-13-2002 Lott's Comments on Thurmond Lead to Avalanche of Bad Headline Puns Involving "Lott," "Strom": 12-12-2002 Active Wear Purchased by Inactive Woman: 12-11-2002 Alumni Notes for Class of '25 Really Depressing: 12-10-2002 Mafia Chieftain Complains His Family Has Had Really Boring Season: 12-9-2002 Experts: Shakeup on Bush's Economic Team Means Fewer Weird Lookin' Dudes : 12-6-2002 Heavy Snow Pounds Nation; Whitney Houston's Nose Hardest Hit: 12-5-2002 Saudi Government Begins Anti-Terror Initiative: "Operation: Disband the Saudi Government": 12-4-2002 Boston Archdiocese to Hold Blowout Bankruptcy Sale; Law: "Everything Must God": 12-3-2002 Bin Laden Emerges from Hidden Mountain Cave, Seeks Lost Magic Ring: 12-2-2002 Jay-Z Instructs Chauffeur to Take the H to the Izz-O V to the Lizzane: 11-26-2002 Ashcroft Declares "War On Fucking": 11-25-2002 I Just Had a Really Great Batch of Sour Patch Kids: 11-22-2002 Hans Blix Assumes Control of UN Funny-Sounding Names Commission: 11-21-2002 Valdez Captain Swears He's Not Enjoying Prestige Sinking: 11-20-2002 Guy at Next Urinal Gets Way Too Into It: 11-19-2002 Michael Jackson's Freakishness Still Considered Newsworthy: 11-18-2002 New Harry Potter Film Captures, Releases World's Imagination: 11-15-2002 Officials: Tape Confirms Bin Laden Is Alive, Paul Is Dead: 11-14-2002 Lightsaber Skills Prove Surprisingly Ineffective in Knife Fight: 11-13-2002 Researchers Discover "Chocoholic Gene"; Your Mother Dies of Ovarian Cancer: 11-12-2002 Political Cartoonist Chooses Gillette's Mach 3 Turbo over Occam's Razor: 11-11-2002 Hot Lesbian Action, Misogynistic Homophobe Battle for Box-Office Supremacy: 11-8-2002 Guy in Front of You at Blockbuster Never Had No Overdue Videos: 11-7-2002 Hot Girl Born After Batman Came Out: 11-6-2002 Massive Lemming Suicide Plunge Blamed on "Zionist Aggression": 11-5-2002 In Statement on Jam Master Jay's Death, Suge Knight Offers Sympathy, Alibi: 11-4-2002 Nirvana Releases New Song; All Other Rock Bands Give Up: 11-1-2002 Stoners Regret Rental of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre: 10-31-2002 Alaskan "Giant Bird" Sightings Good News for World's Crackpots: 10-29-2002 Protesters Rally with Cries of "No Blood for National Security": 10-28-2002 Sniper Rifle Use Plummets among Grand Theft Auto III Players: 10-25-2002 Al-Guilera Deploys Weapon of Mass Turbation: 10-24-2002