CASTLE ROCK, CO - Insisting that his pledge to start losing his holiday pounds is still intact, contractor Ralph White has bought himself another month to do so by extending his definition of "the holidays" to include the probable early-February start date for the Second Gulf War.

"It just seems silly to start worrying about dieting when the holidays aren't even over yet," said White over an MSNBC commercial break. "I mean, they've still got holiday programming on, like my favorite holiday special, WarGame: Iraq. Plus, Wolf Blitzer still has that jolly white beard."

White went on to point out that the holidays continue for people of other faiths and cultures: "The Asian-American community can celebrate Korean Nuclearbrinkmanship Year's Day, our Jewish brothers and sisters enjoy the festival known as Willarafatoutlastsharonukkah, and of course African-Americans remember their heritage with Robertmugabeistotallygonzaa. As for me, I'm really looking forward to having the whole family gather 'round the warm, glowing lights of the TV to watch the annhiliation of the Republican Guard units at Basra, and a diet would just be a big bah-humbug, wouldn't it?"