WASHINGTON, DC - Attorney General John Ashcroft opened a new front in the battle for national security, announcing sweeping new anti-fucking measures at a press conference Monday.

"The only way fucking can win is if we allow it to," Ashcroft said. "The American way of life is one of liberty, freedom, and most importantly, puritanical blue-nosed prudery. And in much the same way that mandatory minimum sentences for marijuana possession are helping us win the War on Drugs and our proposed database on every purchase every single American makes at every store everywhere will help us win the War on Terror, these measures will be a formidable weapon in our anti-fucking arsenal. The forces of fucking may be many, but make no mistake: We will prevail."

Some of the measures proposed by Ashcroft include seizing the assets of Victoria's Secret, incarcerating Barry White as an enemy combatant, and authorizing wiretaps on all purchasers of ben-wah balls.

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