SANTA MARIA, CA - Newspaper readers the world over were stunned this past week as photos of the self-proclaimed King of Pop, Michael Jackson, revealed the extent of newspaper editors' belief that there are still people out there who don't already think that Jackson is a total fucking freakshow.

Appearing in a California court to testify in a lawsuit over several cancelled millenium concerts, Jackson shocked onlookers by continuing to draw hundreds of paparazzi despite nearly two full decades of well-documented crazy-ass behavior and mutant-like facial features.

"It was astounding," said Linda DeYorba, a court officer. "It's like they were convinced they were going to get the shot that convinced the world that he's a plastic-skulled hermaphroditic pederast. Christ, guys--he hasn't looked or acted like a normal human being since Off the Wall. Give it a goddamn rest."

In New York, reactions were similar. "'Wacko Jacko's Backo?' Well, fuck me in the ass," snorted Frank DiChiara, a construction worker and New York Post subscriber. "Gee, and until this point I had no idea he was a repulsive noseless gray-colored child-molesting man-woman.

"Next thing I know you'll be telling me Barbra Streisand has some differences of opinion with the Bush Administration," DiChiara added. "Excuse me while I have a fucking heart attack and die from not-surprise."