SEATTLE, WA - The music industry was turned upside-down this past Tuesday, when the release of early-'90's "grunge rock" pioneers Nirvana's greatest hits album, including the previously-unreleased track "You Know You're Right," prompted the immediate dissolution of virtually every other rock band in the English-speaking world.

"Nirvana was a huge inspiration to me [when I was] growing up," said Wes Scantlin, lead singer of the now-defunct group Puddle of Mudd. "I always thought, 'What better way to honor [late Nirvana lead singer] Kurt [Cobain]'s memory than to churn out hackneyed, uninspired, borderline-actionable clones of his songs?' And with our latest hit, 'She Hates Me,' we really thought we'd created the perfect combination of flagrant 'Lithium' rip-off and sub-Ugly-Kid-Joe lyrical mediocrity. But when you hear the way Kurt's physical and emotional pain bleeds through literally every guitar note on that new song, you know you might as well go back to working at your Dad's Audi dealership."

Even the new wave of "garage rock" critical favorites was affected by the wave of resignation. Craig Nicholls, lead singer of Australia's the Vines, described his decision to disband the group: "We'd been called 'the new Nirvana' by nearly every critic alive. But now the old Nirvana is 'the new Nirvana,' so what good is the old 'new Nirvana' going to do anyone? Let alone an old 'new Nirvana' with stupid lyrics who sit around talking about how much weed they smoke all the time, like fucking 311 or something."

In related news, citing self-reflection following the shooting death of hip-hop legend Jam Master Jay, a press conference has been scheduled for Monday in which the entire membership of the Ruff Ryders, Murder Inc., the Cash Money Millionaires, Roc-A-Fella Records, the No Limit Soldiers and Bad Boy Entertainment are expected to commit ritual suicide.