GARDEN CITY, NY - A group of marijuana smokers expressed deep regret for choosing to watch the film The Texas Chain Saw Massacre while under the influence of the psychoactive chemical THC.

"Oh my fucking God," said Todd Lancaster, purchaser of both the marijuna and the videotape. "We thought it was going to be campy--you know, like Sorority Babes in the Slime Ball Bowl-O-Rama or something like that. Or at the very least no worse than Evil Dead 2. But--oh my fucking God."

Lancaster, 19, and friends Pete DeMatteis and Matt McBride, both 20, rented the 1974 cult classic horror film at the Stewart Avenue Blockbuster Video franchise, where they also purchased six boxes of Mike and Ikes, then retired to Lancaster's parent's home. Once there, they partook of Lancaster's older sister Melissa's drug stash, left behind while the elder Lancaster visited friends in Vermont, and settled down to what they thought would be an enjoyable night of thrills and chills.

Instead, they were greeted by what some scholars have called "the most unrelentingly brutal horror film ever made," in which a group of five young people are set upon and systematically slaughtered by a deranged, inbred family of cannibals led by Leatherface, an enormous, mentally retarded killing machine named for his trademark masks of human skin.

"Jesus fucking Christ," explained McBride after the screening. "When it first got started we thought it'd be fun to bet on who'd get killed first--the hot brunette in the Daisy Dukes or the annoying fat crippled guy. But then--the way the guy twitched when he got hit with the sledgehammer...and the sound when he put her on the meat hook...Jesus Christ Almighty."

DeMatteis attempted to recap the events of the film's concluding half-hour, but could get no further than the point at which the female lead, having been captured by Leatherface's family, is made to insert her bleeding finger into the Grandfather's suckling mouth before he lapsed into incoherent weeping.



Happy Halloween from the Court of the Crisco Bandit.