LOS ANGELES, CA - Director Brian De Palma's erotic thriller Femme Fatale and rapper Eminem's semi-biopic 8 Mile are both slated for release today, pitting male fantasies about "lipstick lesbians" against male fear of latent homosexual tendencies in theatres across the nation.

With Hollywood offering men in their teens and twenties--showbiz's most coveted demographic--a choice between watching a nude Rebecca Romijn-Stamos lick the nipples of a supermodel in a public lavatory and reliving the ride to prominence of a rapper whose staple topics are the torture and murder of both women and gay men, the competition for young male moviegoers' wallets--and ids--is expected to be fierce.

"It's gonna be tough to decide whether I hate fags more than I love dykes," said Kevin Fields, 16, while simultaneously listening to an Xzibit MP3 and visiting PinkOnPink.com on his computer. "But with the help of a constant barrage of sensationalistic media imagery about my sexuality, I'm sure I'll figure it out."

Fields added, "You got a problem with that, bitch?"